"I Say, Gov'nah, What's That Shiny Horseless Carriage Behind You?"

I SELL THE DEAD
Glass Eye Pix is casting the 16mm and HDDV feature film I Sell the Dead, a period horror film set in the 1700s. Glenn XXXXX, writer-dir. Shooting mid-October to November in and around NYC. SeekingRonnie Burke: 40-45, male, burly affable bartender, brutish but charming, comic sensibility, British accent; Dr. Vernon Quint: 50-60, male, thin and tall, angular features, demanding presence, Peter Cushing/Christopher Lee Type British accent; Cornelius Murphy: 40s, male, Black Irish, piercing eyes, handsome and intense, British accent; Valentine Kelly: female, tall, pale-skinned, haunting and graceful presence, must have ballet or dance experience. Send pix & rsums to Glass Eye Pix, 296 XXXXX St., NYC 10012. Some pay, plus meals and travel provided. Producer plans to apply for a SAG Low Budget Agreement.

A low-budget period piece taking place in the 18th Century and being shot in and around modern day Manhattan? They must have a way with a glue-gun and tinfoil that is just miraculous!
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A Movie Within A Movie... Within A Movie???

SEEKING WHITE FEMALE ACTRESS for straight-to- DVD movie (guaranteed distribution through MVD). Pay = $300 for 3-5 hours of work. The movie is a comedy about the making of an ultra indie horror movie (like the kind you would find at a horror convention booth). The role available is "Melissa" who is a scream queen. She takes pity on the amateur director and decides to do him a favor by appearing in a scene at a greatly reduced fee (Like, say, $300 for 3-5 hours of work?). There are three scenes that the Melissa character is in. In her first appearance she bumps into the director at a park and thanks him for giving her boyfriend's band a positive review in a magazine (the director is a mag writer as his day job). In that conversation she reveals that she is a scream queen and defines that term for him (he doesn't know what a scream queen is). In her second appearance, later in the movie, she bumps into the director again and (she sounds clumsy), after hearing about his troubles (his movie is a disaster - girls are quitting, his crew is a bunch of morons, etc) she decides to appear in his movie. (Yes, I know I always run right out and sign up for something as soon as I know it's a disaster. That's always when it's the most fun and rewarding.) The third appearance is on location - the shooting of a movie within the movie. The Melissa character is clothed for all scenes except that one (topless and in a thong/garter belt/thigh-high stockings). Please note that the nudity is less than 30 seconds on-screen. As soon as she delivers her lines in the movie-within-a- movie she walks off to change into normal clothes and finishes her scene completely clothed. This movie stars Gina Lynn. Guest appearance by Miramax director J.T. Petty (he directed Mimic 3 and Soft For Digging - remember those?), and a cameo by George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher (What a silly nickname - he sounds like fun! Scary, deadly fun!!!). DVD will be released in October. (I'll put it on my Netflix queue now...)
Please send pics/resume to JT now
Sincerely, JT
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Da, Is Good Film.

LIFT

Brett XXXXX (talent coord.) is casting Lift, a financed indie feature film. Shooting in early September in NYC. Seeking Irina: 30s, female, Russian, former acrobat turned lawyer (Those are some flexible briefs!); Nina: 30s, female, Russian beauty, "flaky-Ophelia-on-acid" type (Whoa! That's a 'type'?); Valentina: 30s, female, Russian, tall, blonde, voluptuous rustic type (The only things curvier than her silhouette are the rural hills she hails from! Zing!); Claude: 40-50s, male, strong-quiet-Frenchman (Jean Reno) type; Father Victor: 40-50s, male, gregarious, no physical preference; Rabbi Menashe: 30-40s, male, gaunt, morose, flexible physical attributes (Flexible? Perhaps he, too, is a former acrobat?); Fima: 40s, male, Russian, lovable loser type, no physical preference; Berman: 40s, male, Russian, successful doctor, no physical preference, slightly pompous; Gioia: 20-30s, female, Italian hottie, no physical preference; Lyudmila: 40-50s, female, Russian-Jewish-mother type; Boris: teens-early 20s, male, Russian; Gallery Owner: 30-50s, male, no physical preference, slightly sleazy; Bill the Boss: 40s, male, corporate lawyer type; Howard Harris: 40-50s, male, tall, slender, blond-gray, elegant, stuffy Brit; Landlord: 50s, male, aggressive, no physical type. Note: Actors with Russian fluency a plus for Russian roles.Send pix & resumes to Russian Film LLC, XXXXX. Box XXXXX, NYC 10012. No phone calls or walk-ins. Compensation according to role. Producer plans to apply for a SAG Low Budget Film Agreement. (First posted 7/27/06, revised 7/28/06)

I like how the last one finally has "no physical type" - like they've given up and thrown their Movie Cliche Thesaurus out the window.

Further down in the ad breakdown it read: "Nudity: Yes", which I sort of assumed. You can't have a movie that includes a former acrobat and men-of-the-cloth, without showing a little boobage, am I right? I so wish I could figure out what the plot will be. It sounds like the beginning of a joke, does it not?: "So a Priest, a Rabbi and a former acrobat-turned-lawyer walk into an art gallery..."