Someone Needs To Get Hooked On Phonics

Gabby submit herself for this show because the original notice looked like an interesting opportunity. This reply email (sent today for an audition TODAY) gives me second thoughts.

Thank you for your submission for our NYC Comedy Show Casting!

We are seeking the following:
1 Caucasian Male
1 Latin Female
1 African American Female
1 Caucasian Female

GOOD NEWS! (We found a cure for cancer???!!!) Due to the huge amount of talent from our first casting, we are now considering an onsomble cast for the show. 

Onsomble. ? You have to be fucking kidding me.

The last audition will take place today on Friday April 23rd, 7:30–9pm at:

THE NEW YORK FILM ACADEMY
568 Broadway 2nd FL, Soho NYC
Directions: Take the N, R or W trains to Prince Street, come out at Broadway and your there! (Don't try to make nice with more exclamation points. You've just insulted me by thinking I don't deserve the time it would take for you to spell check a PROFESSIONAL EMAIL.)

AUDITION SLOTS

Please text Richard at (305) 917-XXXX or email: XXXXX.com to schedule an audition slot. ALL ACTORS MUST SCHEDULE AN AUDITION SLOT!

Items you must bring to the casting:

1. Headshots and bio (if you do not yet have headshots yet its okay, just bring a brief bio on yourself and email us a most recent pic along with your age, height, hair color and nationality. (I believe an audition is like a job interview and it's sort of illegal and unethical to ask someone's age [if they are over 18] and nationality. I mean, if you're looking for a 30 y/o Caucasian and someone walks in/sends a photo and they look like they fit the bill - then that's how you judge. You use your eyeballs.)

2. Prepare a “1 MINUTE COMEDY MONALOG” (*facepalm*) of your choice that shows your full comedic talent & versatile range (Impersonations are highly encouraged!)

3. Your COMEDY A-GAME! For you will only have 1 minute to make our casting directors laugh. (Too bad, I only ever audition with my B-Game. Because that's how I roll: half-assed & sloppy. Just like this email.)

The comedy show’s producer and native New Yorker, has some major film & tv connects that he will pitch the show to this year. One has worked in films such as Traffic, Primal Fear & Scarface, so yes this production is a big deal! And the very reason why our casting directors in both NYC and MIAMI are seeking the best of the very best comedic talent that NYC has to offer. (So, then why are you in Miami, again?)

If you are selected as a cast member, then you will also be considered for a role in a “Feature Romantic Comedy Film” which features original comedic characters from the show! If you are not selected be not dismay, for we have multiple comedic skits to film and will need a host of extras in each of them, in addition to the feature comedy film as well.

The best of luck to you. And bring your A-GAME on Friday April 23rd!

Just for kicks & giggles, I submit to you, dear, educated reader, a better version of the travesty written above:

Thank you for submitting your picture & resume for our new comedy show. A second round of auditions is being held today, April 23, 7:30-9PM at NYFA, 568 Broadway (between Houston & Prince), 2nd Floor. We would like to schedule you for an audition. Auditions will be held in 10 minute slots. Email us at XXXXX.com, or call XXX-XXX-XXXX to schedule a time slot. Prepare a 1 minute comedic monologue; impersonations welcome. Bring pix & resumes (if available), and a brief bio. Auditioners will be considered for possible future projects as well.

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This Ad's Full of $hit.

Looking for the next Ke$hit (East Village) (Who? What???)
Date: 2010-04-20, 9:54AM EDT
Reply to: XXXXX.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

If that's you, please respond with sufficient proof, your contact information (we might call at ANY hour, be ready), and be ready to do EVERYTHING we tell you, without question (For anyone out there who might not understand what this means, let me break it down for you: RED FLAG! RED FLAG!! RED FLAG!!!). If you cannot handle this, DO NOT RESPOND>

We'll do the rest (The rest of what?)

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: Minimum wage plus 50 percent of whatever we make (My educated guess tells me that will be nothing.)
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Mr. Congeniality

Thursday, Apr. 1, 2010, 1:28 PM Pacific (Remember this date for years to come - it's the day a man just laid it all on the line and bared his soul in the name of Art. And good boobs.)

10 WOMEN RANKED IN THE ORDER OF HOW ATTRACTIVE I FIND THEM
Print
ART PHOTOGRAPHY PROJECT
NON-UNION
NO PAY

Casting Director: Nandan XXXXX
Start Date: April 20th 2010
Location: XXXXX Broadway, Suite 1206
SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY BY SATURDAY 4/17
TEL: 541.979.XXXX

NOTE: ALSO INCLUDE PERFORMANCE VIDEOS OR ACTOR SLATES IF AVAILABLE. DO NOT SEND DEMO TAPES.

This is a photography project that examines the institution of casting, while simultaneously taking a critical yet empathetic look at the act of judgement (I'm judging you on your spelling...) and the guilt associated with this everyday act.

SEEKING:

[ 10 FEMALE MODELS ]
The project is pretty straightforward, I am looking for 10 female models of whom I will take full-body standing portraits using standard techniques associated with fashion photography. The portraits will be fully-clothed, and the women participating will be responsible for designing and bringing their own wardrobe. The final product will be a collection of ten portraits that will be displayed in ranked order of how attractive I decide I find the individuals portrayed.

I would be happy to answer any questions regarding the project. I am not really sure if I've managed to make the ideas I have about this project clear at all. So please ask if you do have any questions.

Well, if the role you are fake casting is just for a "pretty" girl then I might buy this idea. But usually roles have more specific requirements like, um, talent, or something.

But, anyway - good luck to you. And just FYI, I rank this ad as the 27th most weird idea that is also demeaning toward women.
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