Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Goo-Goo-Ha-Cha?

Bikini Babies Wanted.. Looking For Fun Models (Northern Suburbs)

Looking for Fun Models... Bikini Babies is New... Looking for Fun Female models to do a wide range of gigs in Bikinis and other Fun outfits.. (Like...? [Please don't say diapers... please don't say diapers...]) Will assist you in finding Fun Gigs... (I thought this IS the fun gig?) Promotional work - photo shoot work - Dancing gigs - Massage gigs - Hosting Events...ETC.. Must have Transportation and cell phone.. Must be a people person... Must be comforitable [sic] working in Bikini - Mini skirts - Fun tops.. ETC.. If interested, Please send a few photos of yourself, what is your modeling experience?? What would make you a good Bikini Baby???

* Location: Northern Suburbs
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: Pay will depend on gigs

They're looking for BABES, right? Not babies? They want adult women and not infants, correct? Please say yes. I mean, I'd have to assume so because I don't think a baby would give a very good massage. But how can you ever be sure with these damn crazy casting notices?
SIDE NOTE: Okay, so I thought it might be fun to add a photo of a cute, unassuming baby in a bikini so I did a Google search and OH MY GOD, what are people doing to their children?!?! Pleeeeeaaasssseee stop sexualizing your kids. Holy crap. I need eyewash.

So, then I thought I'd post a photo of a baby in a burka and... that was boring (and also mildly disturbing - war zone photos... the oppression of women... etc. [Side-Side-Note to earthlings: Make up your mind? Are we selling our young as sex objects at the age of 9 months or are we forbidding them from breathing fresh air and showing their wrists?]) 

Sooooo... then I thought the other possibility would be to go the opposite route and post picture of a woman in a diaper, but I stopped myself because we all know how that would turn out. No thanks.

Which is why this seemed like the safest option:



Naturally.   
...

Role Reversal

Teach me how to rap like Pitbull! (Bridgeport)

$100/hr! Teach me how to rap like Pitbull. Only one hour ...any more and I'll want to off myself. (I think the feeling would be mutual.)

I can't rap at all but I don't suck at singing.


* Location: Bridgeport
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay

I can't decide if this was posted by a 13 year-old, or by a mature adult at, like, 4 a.m. after hours spent taking selfies in the mirror.
...

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Ch- Ch- Changes.

Darlingest Readers, 

In case you haven't noticed, Guiseppe and I have continued out home improvements. So far, we like. Or we're just too tipsy to keep looking for better wallpaper. 

One thing we are sad about is that blogger has gotten rid of our usual pink and replaced it with this garish one. Oof. Terrible.  So we're switching to purple! The color of royalty. And of French martinis...

Hugs,
Gabby

Monday, January 21, 2013

Producing/Writing/Developing Required; No Pay.

'Rundown,' E-Magazine

Rundown, a daily lifestyle email magazine, is seeking contributors. Producer states: "Rundown is dedicated to bringing upscale influencers the inside scoop on what they need to know for life outside the office. In our New York edition, we're launching a fun new program, 'Where's the Talent,' which will plug our readers into where New York's cool, hip, and beautiful women will be going out for the coming weekend. If you'd like to be featured to our 200,000+ New York readers and entertainment executives, let us know where you or your friends are headed this weekend, whether it be a restaurant, an event, an art opening, or your favorite watering hole." Mick XXXXX, contact.

Commitment begins ASAP in NYC.

Seeking—Female Contributors: 18-30s, must be local to NYC.

For consideration, email pix, contact info, and a sentence about yourself to XXXXX.com. Casting personnel state: "Your contact info is for our editorial staff only, not the public."

For more info, visit www.XXXXX.com.

No pay, but credit and opportunity for exposure provided.

INTERIOR CONFERENCE ROOM, DAY:

BOSS
So Jim, what content do you have for the next issue?

JIM
I dunno. I was thinking of getting other people to come up with that for me.

BOSS
We can't pay other people, Jim.

JIM
Hm... Let's see how many suckers are online...

BOSS
Good thinking! I like wading through piles of submissions from people who are not professionals in our industry. You deserve a promotion!

 FADE TO BLACK.

It was only a matter of time, people. Only a matter of time...
...

Monday, January 14, 2013

Merry Be-lated Christmas!

I got you an 80's screwball comedy style musical ego project with nudity for the ladies only, and 'possible' (probably not) pay. Enjoy!
 

Midwest, '12 Days of Christmas'

Mediopolis is casting "12 Days of Christmas," R-Rated musical-comedy set in 1984. Todd XXXXX, dir.; Lisa XXXXX, casting dir.

Shooting Fall 2013 at various Midwest locations. (Way to be specific.)

Project description: "Follows a group of retail store employees trying to make it through the Christmas season in the Midwest, based on the real-life adventures chronicled by Todd XXXXX. Store nerds Chip Martin and Robbii Van Port are looking for love, while constantly being dogged by the warehouse bullies; Thad, Jason and Tiny respectively. The center of the film is held by a not-so-tight group of valley girls with their own agendas. All while store manager, Raymond Schwartz, and his group of managerial half-wits try to keep order during the busiest shopping season of the year."

Seeking—Raymond Schwartz: older male, store manager, easily stressed, eager for his retirement, singing and dance ability required. Lance Cambridge: assistant store manager, good looking, homosexual, very private, fair to his employees, a good supervisor, liked by all. Viola Schleiermacher: floor manager, demanding and by-the-book, racist tendencies, not well liked. Tony Sparks: automotive department, the cool guy, hired as seasonal help, doesn't care much for store politics, becomes involved in a love triangle. Chip Martin: electronics department, the store nerd, witty and ingenious, horny, singing ability required. Robbii Van Port: African-American, overweight, toy department, the store screw up, ashamed of his parents and his poverty. Dana: head cashier, knows Chip has a crush on her but isn't interested in dating, smart, beautiful, easy to get along with. Stephanie: a cashier, young, innocent checker, falls in love with Tony the moment she sees him, singing and dance ability required. Lisa Wilcox: shoe department, a valley girl, makes it her quest to sleep with as many guys as she can, a bleach blonde whore, role requires topless nudity and brief sexual situations in automobile and bedroom make-out scenes, singing and dance ability required. Bridget: shoe department, a valley girl friend of Lisa's, an airhead with a great body, role requires full nudity in a brief on-stage strip club style setting, singing and dance ability required. Thad Adams: warehouse manager, a jerk, out to get Tony, thinks he's a real player, singing and dance ability required. Jason: warehouse receiver, loyal to Thad, tattooed, with a gold tooth and a mullet, singing and dance ability required. "Tiny" Smith: Asian preferred, warehouse stockman, singing and dance ability required. Rosa: African-American, a much older woman, seasonal help. Wanda Cadena: snack bar employee, an ex-hippie, constantly working on her nails and neglecting her duties, a good listener, singing and dance ability required. Gus: janitor, hardworking, always has something clever and uplifting to say, and a magic trick or two up his sleeve. Janean: lay-away clerk, a braces-wearing adorable nerd. Rod & Greg: sporting goods, preppy, cocky fraternity guys. Santa Claus: a disgrace to the suit, a drunk, obnoxious slob. Harvey: store security, always has a racing form on him. Susan: a "model customer" and the object of Chip's desire, topless nudity required in a fantasy undressing dream sequence.

To apply, submit pix & resumes via Back Stage.

Possible pay, plus credit provided.
 
..

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

I Think I Sprained An Eyeball

Independant film co. is searching for a attractive females for a fun/creative upcoming film - 39


Reply: XXXXX
 
INDEPENDANT FILM COMPANY IS SEARCHING FOR ATTRACTIVE FEMALES FOR AN UPCOMING INDEPENDANT FILM. ALL ACTORS WILL BE COMPENSATED WITH PAY. DESCRIPTION OF CHARACTERS IS AS FOLLOWS:

SANDRA: TALL, FULL FIGURED, BIG BREASTED WHO LIKES TO THROW HER ASSETS AROUND. (Hilarious!) ALL HAIR COLORS ARE FINE BUT PREFERABLY A BLONDE.
MELONY: PETITE BRUNETTE IN GOOD SHAPE. MUST SHOW THAT SHE IS INTO FITNESS. REAL BODY WITH A FIRECRACKER PERSONALITY.
PRISCILLA: LATIN WOMAN WITH ALOT OF CURVES. AVERAGE HEIGHT. MUST BE BIG BREASTED WITH A FULL FIGURE . VERY LAID BACK AND A PUSHOVER AT TIMES (And what 'times' might those be?)
ANNMARIE: MEDIUM HEIGHT. PREFERABLY A RED HAIR. VERY SWEET GIRL WHO LOOKS AVERAGE WITH CLOTHES ON BUT A REAL LOOKER IN A BIKINI. MUSTBE ABLE TO HIDE HER ASSETS WELL.
LISA: VERY INTELLIGENT BRUNETTE WITH AN AMAZING BODY. FEELS HER STREGNTHS IS HER MIND BUT HER BODY SPEAKS DIFFERENTLY.
DES: AFRICAN-AMERICAN WITH A FEISTY PERSONALITY. BIG BREASTED AND THICK BUTT BUT MUST HAVE A FIRM BODY. THE POWERHOUSE OF ALL THE WOMEN.

THIS FILM IS BASED ON DREAM THEORIES SO THERE WILL BE A ALOT OF IMAGINATION AND SOME IMPROV. (I'm guessing mostly imagination). NO ACTING EXPERIENCE IS NECCESSARY. AUDITIONS WILL BE HELD IN LATE NOVEMBER. THERE WIL BE SIDES HANDED THE DAY OF THE AUDITION. NO MONOLOGUES REQUIRED. ***THIS FILM DOES NOT REQUIRE ANY X RATED SCENES HOWEVER A FEW ROLES MAY REQUIRE SOME TASTEFUL TOPLESS NUDITY***

PLEASE EMAIL A CURRENT FACESHOT AND BODYSHOT(PREFERABLY BIKINI)AND A CONTACT NUMBER TO: XXXXX.COM PLEASE LIST THE CHARACTER YOU FEEL DESCRIBES YOU. 
Poster's age: 39 (? Is this a new thing?)

Or perhaps I should say: I THINK I SPRAINED AN EYEBALL!!!!
 .

Handholding & Hugging Required


'My Girls with Rafe'

SFT Production Inc. is casting "My Girls with Rafe," a series filmed in half-hour episodes in HD. Rafe XXXXX, exec. prod.

Shoot starts early March, 2013 in NYC.

Seeking—Woman 1: appears 15-21, plays the daughter of one of the stars of the show. Woman 2: appears 17-21, plays the girlfriend to a top agent's son in the "My Girls" agency. Woman 3: appears 19-33, one of the agent's girlfriend's. Men and Women: to play members signed to the talent agency. Producer states: "We are seeking positive and intelligent women who feel very comfortable in their own skin. This show aims to help women communicate better in the relationships they are involved in. Some roles will include a couple of scenes in which there will be hand holding, very close hugging, and some passionate kissing involved. There is no nudity, although there may be a scene in a bathing suit or underwear depending on the role. Everyone who is invited to audition will get individual attention."

Email pix & résumés (include at least two photos—one should show a full view of your profile, if possible) to XXXXX.com or call (XXX) XXX-XXXX or (XXX) XXX-XXXX. Mention if you have any musical or dance ability or particular athletic ability in any sport with your submission.

Some pay, plus copy and credit provided. 

I don't know how appearing in a bikini while holding hands with some strange guy who runs an agency called 'My Girls' is supposed to help me communicate better in my relationships. Maybe its all the 'individual attention'?

Whatever it is, all I can imaging is a lot of angry boyfriends bursting through this guy's door. 

...