Monday, December 20, 2010

Ho, Ho, Hos?

It's that time of year again - when little people are in demand for the seasonal, elfin entertainment of those who aren't little people. There aren't many specifics here, but I really hope they're not adding injury to insult by making this an elf-stripper thing. And I hope the stripper poles aren't red & white striped. But most importantly, I hope the "naughty list" puns are kept to a minimum...

Midget Pole dancers needed for 12/16 (SoHo)
Date: 2010-12-02, 5:58PM EST
Reply to: XXXXX.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Midget poled [sic] dancers needed for an event on December 16th. We are looking for sexy fun little people to pole dance/ go-go dance on an elevated platform. This is for a fun Holiday party to be held on Thursday December 16th. This will be a very fun exciting private invitation only event. We will be casting this saturday at our office in Soho (Houston and Broadway).
The rate is TBD.
Please respond with photos.
Thanks and Best Regards!

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay

Merry Christmas! (And you might want to wash your hands after opening your gifts - just in case.)
...

Monday, December 13, 2010

Nudity Required, No Pay: College Edition

HOTEL

Student Film
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY STUDENT THESIS FILM
NO PAY CATERING, DEMO COPY PROVIDED
Director: Nadja
XXXXX
Casting Director: Nadja XXXXX
Interview Dates: 28 Feb 2010
Shoot/Start Date: 9 March- 13 March

Location: LES, New York

SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY BY THURSDAY 2/25 TEL: 646-XXX-XXXX. CALL BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 10AM AND 6PM (NO CALLS WILL BE TAKEN OR RETURNED AFTER 6PM). NOTE: ALSO INCLUDE PERFORMANCE VIDEOS OR ACTOR SLATES IF AVAILABLE. DO NOT SEND DEMO TAPES.

Hotel is a humorous and provocative short-film project, a critical discourse about a small society of self-centered – i.e. absorbed, adjusting, controlled and controlling - people. The Hotel operates as a metaphor for subculture, articulating the physical and mental limitations a subculture imposes on its members. THERE IS NUDITY IN THIS PROJECT.

Roles:
[ HOTEL OWNER ] approx. 50 years old, male hotel owner, wealthy, wise, fat, has given up, greedy. THERE IS NUDITY FOR THIS ROLE. [ BELLBOY ] 25-35, male, asexual, beast, model, arrogant, loyal, doggy (Do you mean 'dodgy,' or is this a reference to the 'asexual, beast' element?) absent. [ FOUR TRAINEES ] 18-30 years old, female/male, ambitious, naïve, emotional, starving for fame. THERE IS NUDITY FOR THESE ROLES.

To be fair - it's a student project. But still, that's more than 1 or 2 people getting naked for you for free. You can't have it all, my friend. You gotta fork over some lettuce if you want to see the buns.
...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

DANGER: Falling Apples

You may or may not have seen the recent headline: Nick Brooks Charged In Murder Of His Swimsuit Designer Girlfriend Sylvie Cachay. Domestic violence (allegedly [I guess at this stage we must give him the benefit of the doubt]) is terrible enough, but this whole thing is just plain grosser when you consider that Nick Brooks is the son of the now infamous king of the casting couch, Joseph Brooks.

An Oscar-winning composer [Joseph Brooks] faces multiple rape charges after allegedly using the award and the allure of movie stardom to tempt young women to his casting couch…Mr Brooks, who wrote and directed the 1977 film You Light Up My Life, about a comedian who has a one-night stand with a director and which won an Oscar for Best Song, faces up to 25 years in jail if convicted of first-degree rape…Prosecutors allege that Mr Brooks posted adverts on the internet site Craigslist in which he offered to turn young women into film stars.

The adverts said that an “Oscar Award-winning composer” was searching for a “new face” — a beautiful “young girl between 18 to 22”. “He intimidated them. They were frightened and suddenly found themselves in his apartment for different purposes than they had anticipated," Robert Morgenthau, the Manhattan district attorney, said.

And you know what's really scary, is his credentials are REAL. So even if you did your research, it would seem above-board. But read on (full article here)...


Most of the women targeted came from Washington state and Oregon in America’s Pacific northwest, and would have been tired by the time that they arrived to meet Mr Brooks at his flat on East 63rd Street in New York.

Once the women were inside, Mr Brooks allegedly told them to audition for the role of a prostitute in a scene that required them to drink a lot of wine.

“The part called for them to drink the wine in a seductive manner. He told them to be very comfortable with their bodies, to drink the wine and feel sexy about themselves as they became more and more intoxicated," Adam Lamboy, of the Manhattan Special Victims Squad, said.

That takes a lot of forethought, help, and deceit on his end, to be sure. So it's understandable that a girl might initially feel comfortable enough to make the cross-country trek.
BUT BE FOREVER WARNED about auditions in anyone's home or apartment. Sometimes they're legit, but always be safe: request to meet at a different location, bring a friend, tell someone where you are going, and leave as soon as anything gets fishy.

All this serves to remind us, dear readers and fellow actors, that we must always be vigilant. Acting is a job, just like any other. It's not worth risking your health or your safety for.

And, should anything bad go down (god forbid), then by all means REPORT IT. To the authorities or even just to whoever hosted the casting notice. Don't let one unfortunate incident snowball to dozens. Help a gal out.

Gabby always says: 'Tis better to be alive and out of work, than to be dead or raped. Now... go forth and be awesome.
...

Monday, December 06, 2010

Classic NR/NP

TRANSLATION

Student Film

NON-UNION
Santa Monica College short film.
Director: Wes XXXXX
Writers: Luke
XXXXX and Wes XXXXX
Casting Director: Wes
XXXXX
Interview Dates: Nov.1-Nov.5
Callback Dates: Nov.8
Shoot/Start Date: Mid Nov.

Pay Rate: Credit, Copy, Meal

Location: Santa Monica, CA

SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY THERE IS NUDITY IN THIS PROJECT. TEL: 214-XXX-XXXX IF POSSIBLE, PLEASE SUBMIT ACTOR'S ONLINE DEMO CLIPS ALONG WITH EACH ACTOR SUBMISSION.

Translation is a short film that takes place in the same universe as Inception. It's going to be an over-the-top comedy that ultimately becomes a dramedy.
[ ELLIE ] Caucasian. 18-25. Female. The sister of the lead, Preston's fiance. Ellie is a beautiful college student that is visiting her sister, Savanna. The opening scene takes place at Savanna's house where Preston and his friend Bo are outside forcibly doing yard work for Savanna, who is a control freak.. think crazy wife from The Hangover. However, Ellie is a bit more vigilant as she's still in college and sneaks off with Bo, a bit of a player, for a comedic sex scene. (Vigilant? I don't think that word means what you think it means, and I don't even think I know what you think it means.) Only requires topless nudity. The film is about Preston and Bo going into each other's dreams to see if you can subconsciously understand foreign languages you have heard before. They need to translate a mysterious scroll that Preston digs up while gardening, and there's a funny dialogue scene between Preston Bo and Ellie as Bo and Ellie are having sex. After we film and edit this, we will come back in early January to film what should end up being a 30 minute short for festivals. All other roles have been cast using students from the Playhouse West Acting School in Hollywood.

Let me save Bo & Preston some time - I think the scroll might read: "Pay your naked actresses." ...
...

Monday, November 29, 2010

Yay! A Festival!

Way back when, in the olden days before blogs existed, Gabby started collecting annoying casting notices in her email (most were sent via a list serv). Some have already been tweaked and added to NR/NP, some still sit gathering dust in an AOL account (I'm kidding - who uses AOL anymore?). Here's a blast way back to the past... all the way to 2002 (or so). So, let's take a peek at this ad and ask ourselves if the marriage of thong bikinis and miniskirts into a "festival" is as good a marriage as Liza Minnelli's to David Gest:

From: "suntanguy" <
XXXXX.net>
Subject: Annual Thong Bikini / Mini Skirt Festival


Our Annual Thong Bikini and Mini Skirt Festival is
looking for beautiful, exotic, sexy, long legged, long haired, tall, thin female models and contestants, sizes small and medium only. For consideration and an invitation to participate you need to submit a full body image of you in a mini skirt and a thong bikini via snail mail or email to XXXXX. Fine Art Productions, R. XXXXX Pictures, MultiMedia, InterActive XXXXX, Newburgh, NY 12550-4034

I can't decide which I like better - the fact that this is a "festival", that the company producing it has "Fine Art" in the title, or that the guy who wrote the ad goes by the nickname "suntanguy". (Hey - you don't think it's George Hamilton, do you?)

...

Monday, November 22, 2010

That Is The Question

IS NUDITY REQUIRED?

Live Project
NON-UNION
Producer: Turk
XXXXX
Writer: Steve
XXXXX
Casting Associate: Bobby
XXXXX
Casting Director: Turk
XXXXX
Interview Dates: TBD
Shoot/Start Date: 3/10/2010
Pay Rate: Credit

Location: West Adams district of Los Angeles

SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY
NOTE: ALSO INCLUDE PERFORMANCE VIDEOS OR ACTOR SLATES IF AVAILABLE. DO NOT SEND DEMO TAPES.

[ FRITZ ]
- M 30s, husky producer
[ HOWIE ]
- M 30s, skinny writer
[ MOFO ]
M, poster boy mafia
[ MUFFIN ]
F, hot young girlfriend (With a name like Muffin... I just can't.)
[ CORKY ]
M, nerdy casting director
[ JUDY & CONNIE ]
F, nerdy sisters
[ PRINCESS ]
F, hot stcked blonde
[ BARBARA ]
F, cold hearted bitch golddigger actress
[ SAMSON ]
M, gay actor
[ GENEVIEVE ]
F, fake French atrist
[ JAKE ]
M, artist's model
[ ROBERTA ]
F, punk pierced tatted (Are we to assume you mean tattooed?)
[ CHRISSY ]
F, nerd a la Tomlin
[ DON ]
M, surfer dude
[ TONY ]
M, lug nut
[ PEACHES ] F, porn credits (?)
[ APRIL & MAY ]
F, blonde bombshells
[ CRAIG ]
M, wannabe
[ BETH ] F, wannabe

Story: Two idiots putting on a T&A play in Hollywood. (Their words - not mine!) This show is 6 scenes of 2-4 actors in audition or rehearsal for the T&A play that Fritz and Howie are putting on. Funny!


Ah, yes... art imitating life. But the question remains... is nudity required for this project?
?? .??
.....

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sexy In A Non-Sexual Way

Way back when, in the olden days before blogs existed, Gabby started collecting annoying casting notices in her email. Some have already been tweaked and added to NR/NP, some still sit gathering dust in an AOL account (I'm kidding - does AOL exist anymore?). Here's a blast way back to the past... all the way to 2002-ish. So, let's crank up the 2002 Nelly, read this nutty ad, and really feel the pressure to take off all our clothes:

Golden Lite Pictures of NY is casting for the lead female role in a sexy comedy SHORT to be shot on digital in NYC in April. As far as Acting Skills, the part requires good dialogue skills, good timing with both deliveries & reactions. (Oh wow... so is that what acting is???)
Physical Requirements: imperative -- very attractive, aged 18-26, very sexy but in a clean-cut way, and the role is very sexy as far as the humor being set-up via a sensual presence & attitude, and requires some butt and breast nudity but certainly/absolutely non-sexual; (But you said it was a "sexy comedy short"? I'm confused. Oh, well - if I have to show some T&A for you in a 'non-sexual' way and act at the same time, then I'm sure you're gonna make it worth my while... right?) Meals will be provided, and of course a copy of the completed tape. There is no pay at this time. (Oh.) Please send a note or any pertinent info, along with a resume if you have one, and any JPG photos that you have.

I have to write a note? And send a resume if I have one? Wow, this acting thing is hard.

..

Monday, November 08, 2010

Something For Everyone

Women needed for various filming (Harrison)
Date: 2010-11-04, 4:13PM EDT
Reply to: XXXXX.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I will be honest and straight up ('K, thanks), I work with 4 different video companies (That's good). Here are the 2 categories looking for ladies.

1) Hip Hop videos no nudity nothing implied
2) Adult Video... (High pay, nudity, sexual nature)

* Location: Harrison

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: Depends on which your cast for.

So many companies... so few options.
...

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Scraping The Bottom Of The Outhouse.

CHARMIN 'ENJOY THE GO' CONTEST

Charmin is seeking submissions for Enjoy the Go, a nationwide contest in an effort to create a movement where the entire nation can enjoy a better bathroom experience. Sponsor states: "We're calling it the Charmin Go Nation. It's made up of people who actually enjoy going to the bathroom because they have Charmin bathroom tissue." The purpose of the contest is to help bring to life the meaning of "Enjoy the go," and spread the word throughout the nation.

Seeking—Video Entry Submissions: up to two minutes in length, creative, answering the following questions including "Why do you deserve to represent your state/district as a member of the Charmin Go Nation?," "What does 'Enjoy the go' mean to you?," and "If chosen, how would you best represent your state/district as the Charmin Go Nation King/Queen?" Note: Contest is open only to legal residents of the 50 United States and D.C., who must be 21+ as of the last day of the month prior to the date of entry.

For more info and to enter, visit XXXXX.com. Complete the online registration form and upload your video and a color headshot photo; video and photo cannot be taken by professional videographers or photographers. See website for official rules and judging criteria. Submission deadline is Nov. 7 at 5 p.m. No entry fee or purchases required. One King or Queen Grand Prize wins $50,000, plus an extended stay in NYC through New Year's Eve; five First Prize Finalists win a three-day/two-night trip for two to NYC the week of Dec. 27 for the finale event at the Charmin Times Square Restrooms, plus $500 spending money; 51 Charmin Go Nation Representatives win $500.

Have you ever been going about your day normally, then suddenly you realize you're seeing/reading something that is so uncontrollably crazy that you feel like you're no longer living in reality, or like someone has slipped you a mickey?

Yeah, me too.
...

Thursday, September 09, 2010

This Gives Me An Idea...

Young female for modeling (Lower Westchester, NY)
Date: 2010-09-08, 7:36PM EDT
Reply to: XXXXX.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am going to be simple and straight forward (Uh oh, this is going to be good) about this ad because it seems that many "modeling" gigs on here are nonsense and usually live up to the expectations of the person in need of a gig.

I need a young female (18-23) who is white (not being racial but it needs to fit the nature of our ad campaign and lives in lower Westchester county. I think there might be some "non-whites" in "lower Westchester county" as well, so perhaps you are being racial, er, something.

The nature of this gig is NEVER going to involve you being fully nude just in underwear and a bra. We will have written contracts etc.. that will not be breached. We will provide you panties to wear and then re-collect them because we have a network of highly affluent individuals who buy used panties due to a fetish they have. Your head will NEVER be shown in the photos only your lower body of you in the panties. Serious $$ potential.

Serious inquiries only. Photo please in email along with a little bit about yourself.

* Location: Lower Westchester, NY
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay

This no-nonsense "modeling gig" did not live up to my expectations, either. Or, it did - just not in the way they vaguely promised.

And if you want to be straight-forward, just try something like: "Seeking young women to wear underwear that will then be sold to dirty old men. Pay per pair of panties." And are they paying or what?

Oh well, I'll just file this one under my brand-new category: Things Your Mother Warned You About.
...

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Strong, Silent Type

Hello to All JT talent Clients

A friend of mine is looking for this type of actor

Please send headshots to the following email of my producer Amelia:

XXXXX@XXXXX.com

The shoot is for tommorrow

Again we are looking for a gruff, 30 - 40 yr old man with a severe face to play a mean cop in an interrogation scene. No lines; unpaid.

That is either a very short, very violent, or very ASL interrogation scene.
...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Somewhere, A Portrait Of You Will Have Aged Considerably After Reading This Ad.

Date Posted: 08/22/10
Title: ROTS SEEKS IDEAL "DORIAN GRAY"

Description: The Rage of the Stage Players, Pittsburgh’s alternative performance company specializing in original horror, adult-oriented comedy, and mature fantasy shows, just to name a few of our strange genres, are now coming off of our critically acclaimed and high-profile original production, FAIREST: THE BLACK TALE OF SNOW WHITE. That means we are in high gear as we CONTINUE our exhaustive search for the ideal young male actor to play the title role in our original, unique, premiering stage adaptation of Oscar Wilde’s gothic horror novel, THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY. THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY will be a complex process. (Well, okay, let me pull up a chair and some knitting while you go on and on and on about it...) The show is slated to open our 2011 season, but the process must begin now, as up to 5 paintings of the performer must be completed, which will be a lengthy overall process. (Holy shit dude - have you heard of computers? Just do a brush-stroke filter then print in large format and varnish. Sure, it's not the same as a REAL painting but casting 5 month sin advance? Good luck with that.) We require an actor who will be 100% COMMITTED, dedicated, devoted to the piece, and realizes that once the process is in motion, he must see it through. (Ah, so you're already worried about this unrealistic time commitment. Well, take your own hint, then. Because if an actor gets a better deal - say, one that PAYS - I'm sure he's gone faster than it takes for you to finish writing this ad. [Actually, I could apply to and complete grad school by the time you finish this ad.]) It is critical that you realize the right actor is being asked to make a commitment a little less than ONE-YEAR in advance. (I think it's critical that you get your head checked.) The show will take place next spring, and though it will not begin rehearsals until late winter/early spring 2010-11, pre-production must be timed-out in advance. Fear not, we have no intention of monopolizing a year of your time. That is only the overall span of pre-production on our part. We just need to secure the right person in place, schedule occasional portrait sittings, and begin rehearsals on a regular schedule once the time grows nearer. Also, please be aware that The Rage of the Stage Players are a not-for-profit organization, who are composed ENTIRELY of VOLUNTEERS. We do not offer any compensation beyond enjoyment and experience, but you definitely won’t find what we have to offer just anywhere….and this opportunity/role not to be missed. If you’ve seen any of our past work such as Something Grimm, Dracula: Dragon Prince, Villains, A Little Red, Richard O’Brien’s: The Rocky Horror Show, the award-winning Alice’s Adventures in “Wonderland,” Dorothy in Oz (set in a mental institution), Twisted Monologues, or our Latest, FAIREST: The Black Tale of Snow White, you already know the kinds of dependable, dedicated, unique, and fun character actors with whom we work. And we’re ready to add one more to the fold! Yes, for us it’s Halloween all-year round, including intense, film quality make-up and costumes, set in a framework of over-the-top stories. Be it original concepts or skewed adaptations of gothic classics and fairy tales with a bawdy twist, we’re interested in them all!

Qualifications: This leading role will be a dramatically challenging one and not for the faint-of-heart! The actor we seek for this dark/beautiful production must be young, yet seasoned/experienced enough to push themselves, as well as meet the following criteria: - Age 18 to 25 (or extremely close—no younger, please) - Athletic build -5’ 10” in height or taller - Handsome, good features - Open-minded, COMPLETELY uninhibited. There will be intense sexual situations/physical contact with other actors in the piece, both heterosexual and homosexual, so if you are uncomfortable with yourself, this is NOT for you. This story is famous (or infamous) for its theme of giving oneself over completely to vice. - No aversion to partial nudity - Ability to do a High British accent, or have a willingness/ability to learn - Willingness to travel to the South Park area outside of Pittsburgh for rehearsals (own transportation). - Willingness to discuss growing hair longer and “possibly” (? "Possibly"? I think the definition of possibly stands well on it's own with out superfluous quotation marks) color it

How to Apply: If you like wild, alternative, guerrilla theatre and are open to new experiences and directions, we're your group. So if we’ve piqued your interest and you’d like to be considered, please send your performance resume, headshot and some body shots which clearly show your physique (or a link to such photos) to rageofthestage(at)yahoo(dot)com (some of our past work may be seen at www.facebook.com/rageofthestage). You may also direct ANY questions you may have to this email address as well (which we advise). Performers must be located within Pittsburgh or the surrounding areas only, please.

Get me a shawl and some chamomile... I need a nap.
...

Friday, August 13, 2010

An Exercise In Futility.

Drama Teacher for 3 - 7 yr olds (Manhattan) (THREE YEAR OLDS???)

Date: 2010-08-13, 10:53AM EDT

Reply to: XXXXX.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


Must be available Wed. afternoons.
Seeking Team Player. Room for growth with outstanding organization. Please note if you have an education background or have taught this age, or are a masochist. Please note if you have a movement background, like if you are capable of running away really fast, or can curl up in a ball and rock back and forth as you cry softly. Seeking candidate who will be staying in NYC till June 2010. (June 2010? This was posted August 2010...) Send pic, resume, three professional references and a cover letter why you'd like this opportunity. Please give all times you are available for an interview Tues. Wed. and Thursdays. Must be able to start September 22.

* Location: Manhattan

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

* Compensation: part time TBA

"Ok Johnny and Suzy, close your eyes and imagine you're in a dark, empty room... No there are no monsters in the room, it's empty... Yes, mommy and daddy can find you, don't worry... Well you should have used the bathroom before we began our relaxation and visualization exercises... No, you may not have your binky..."
... ...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

It's Funny Because It Sounds Degrading!

PMSPORTS.COM

PMSports.com, a new sports comedy video website launching in September, is casting performers for originally created, professionally produced video content. Producer states: "The content we produce is often racy, provocative, but always comedic. Think ESPN meets The Chappelle Show, Howard Stern, and Family Guy. This is an opportunity to get exposure and professional experience within the acting industry for a website with a production and marketing budget which will be seen by thousands of people immediately this fall. If selected, our casting director will bring you in to read for our producer and/or director in our 5,000-square-foot Lower Manhattan loft where we produce and shoot most of our shows."
(That description makes me feel creepy - like it's an contest for a vacation package or something: "Winners will receive a meet-and-greet with the people who might actually hire them, a fresh, unopened bottle of spring water, and a chance to sit and relax on a real, genuine chair inside a very large room! Deadline for entries ends soon, so hurry, hurry, hurry! And don't forget to take your top off.") Nick XXXXX, exec. prod.; Dale XXXXX, dir. Shooting multiple videos over the next six weeks. Seeking—Actresses: 18-40, all ethnicities, for various roles, comfortable acting in suggestive and vulgar sketches that are provocative in nature and involve shooting in bikinis and/or revealing clothing. Note: Also seeking multi-cultural actresses as well as Arabs and Israelis (Are Arabs & Israelis usually exempt from the "multi-cultural" label, and therefore listed separately?) and heavyset actresses who are comfortable doing a sketch in a bathing suit, extensive camera or acting experience not necessary. Possible brief topless nudity required for some sketches. Reply by email to XXXXX.com and attach your headshot & résumé, state the role you are interested in along with your availability in the coming weeks, and put "actor" in the subject line. No pay, but credit and meals provided.
... ...

Monday, August 02, 2010

Why DO We Always Cast The Devil With A British Accent?

ELITE ARRANGEMENTS

Commercial
NON-UNION
RUN: TBD

Producer: Fred XXXXX
Director: Tim XXXXX
Casting Director: Sara XXXXX
Interview Dates: Currently
Callback Dates: August 10
Shoot/Start Date: TBD
Pay Rate: There is pay plus expenses
Location: Boca Raton, FL

SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY

EliteArrangements is an online dating services company. The firm has been established to create a dating site to provide consumers with a forum for attractive individuals to meet wealthy benefactors. The goal of the company is to facilitate romantic opportunities which result in a mutually beneficial relationship for our consumers. (Ack! I think I just died of grossness overload.) EliteArrangements is seeking to establish itself as the premier trusted dating resource for the rich and the beautiful. Customers are able to join the website and to create a profile free of charge. A customer profile is comprised of a series of personal questions and/or a photograph, video or audio file. Free trial customers are free to correspond with members of the site but will be required to upgrade to a paid membership to read any correspondence they receive from the site...

WHAT WE NEED FROM OUR TALENT:

PLEASE SUBMIT BY FRIDAY, JULY 30TH, 2010 AT 6 PM PST. EVERYONE WHO SUBMITS BY THEN WILL RECEIVE AN ECO-CAST INVITATION VIA CMAIL TO TAPE THEIR AUDITION.

The script is below so you can get started. When recording, please make certain your surroundings are quiet, that you are well-lit (but with no harsh lighting), and that you're close enough to the microphone that we can hear you clearly. Please turn off all televisions, radios, fans, ceiling fans, heaters, anything that makes noise. Please ensure that any pets or other individuals in the room are silent during the recording. Please include your name at the front of your demo, and agency if applicable.

Our deadline is fast approaching. Please submit as soon as possible, in addition to your availability for the third or fourth weeks of August, 2010 (we'll likely be shooting for one day around August 23rd, but may have some flexibility). The production will be shot in Boca Raton, FL. All travel, hotel and meal expenses will be paid, in addition to the talent fee. We require non-union talent. The talent fee is a buyout, and is inclusive of all agent and managerial fees. We are also happy to work direct with you.

DEMO SCRIPT FOR RECORDING. PLEASE READ IN A PROFESSIONAL, YET SLIGHTLY PLAYFUL MANNER. YOU MAY DO TWO DIFFERENT TAKES IF YOU LIKE. Please see notes above on how to record audition.

"What do wealthy distinguished men - and stunning young women have in common? EliteArrangements: Where success and beauty come together! Most successful men don’t have time to mingle. And attractive women don’t know where to look. Now there’s place for the discreet to meet... At EliteArrangements! We prequalify all our members to the highest standards --Then introduce wealthy men with a passion for life --To beautiful women who know what they need! Life is too short to not be appreciated. So log on to Elite Arrangements and create your profile for FREE! Then find the type of relationship your REALLY looking for. Because good things come to those who date!"

[SPOKESPERSON]
25-35 years, FEMALE spokesperson, authentic (meaning native) refined British accent. If you're not British but think you do a spot-on British accent, please apply (but didn't you just specify "native" speakers?).

"Here at I'm-Not-An-Escort-I'm-Just-A-Regular-Gold-Digger, we strive for the highest standards in hooking up two of the lowest common denominators: men who only care about how hot a woman is, and women who only care about money. It brings us pleasure to know that these urchins aren't out infecting the rest of the more sane and moral universe. So, if you're ready to sell your soul for some fake-tan and silicone whore who wants to bleed you dry financially, or if you're aching to formally announce to the world that your love actually has a monetary value... then INAEIJARGD is ready for you! People with consciences need not apply."
...

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Casting: Roles That Have Already Been Cast

HAPPY 200TH ENTRY Nudity Required, No Pay readers! Thanks to all you lovelies out there who need a good laugh. But thanks even more to all you nutters who are busy writing scripts for a sci-fi/fantasy/historical/thriller/horror feature, which will shoot with no budget, after the cast drives themselves to the backwoods of Pennsylvania, to run through the woods naked, doing their own stunts. Your optimism is refreshing and I wish you the best! Keep the ads coming...

Yours forever truly,

Gabby

* * *
Dear Clients,

There is only a few more emailing going out like this if your not on the Database then you wont know about this stuff anymore any questions Email me

Casting Call for "Lost In Amsterdam" 7/17
LOCATION: XXXXX: 8th ave between XXXXX suite 506
12- 6pm
John XXXXX Casting
Director: Franklyn of Cypher
Producer: Mathew XXXXX
PRODUCERS: Cypher Productions, LLC

(Sides will be provided by you can have a monologue prepared) What?

Character breakdown

DOC: Artsy and tough Brooklyn transplant who runs an Urban Arts Course in Amsterdam and befriends Fynx. Cast: Courtney XXXXX

FYNX: 26 year old party promoter and artist who lives at home with her parents. Is striving to become her own person in the eyes of the people around her. She has great talents with in her but is shy to show it. Cast: Rachel XXXXX

HUMPHREY: Tall, Thin, homeless man who befriends Butterfly Jones and helps the crew from Brooklyn. Age 35-50. Uncast

KRYSTA: 30 year old club promoter and manager at a strip club who wonders how her life got out of control. She is still hanging out with and throwing parties with her high school friends and is at the end of her rope. Krysta is reevaluating everything in her life and trying to figure out who really belongs in it. Cast: Janet XXXXX

ROSCO: Albert's childhood friend and now right hand man. Slow and dim whited (Whited? *sigh*) but loyal to a fault. Rosco is deathly afraid of Little People and believes and old wive's tale about them stealing his knees. Cast: Brimstone (As in "Fire and-"?)

SALLY DOGS: Angelo has risen to the head of his crime family by only trusting one man. Sally Dogs. A distinguished man in his late 50's early 60's.. When Albert and Rosco try to go to Amsterdam to continue the scheme, Sally is there to keep an eye on them. Sally hasn't decided if he's in Amsterdam to catch Dion and his friends or to put Albert in his place for good. Cast: Ronnie The Rottweiler (At first I was like, "Oh no - is this another "Cats & Dogs" movie? But I think this might be an actual human...? It's like reading a casting notice from another planet...)

TIFFANI: Is the 30-35 year old business assistant and friend of VIctoria. Tiffany runs the business while Victoria Shines her great smile. Tiffani cares for Victoria but thinks she's too risky when it comes to the business. Cast: Carrissa XXXXX

VICTORIA: Smart and sexy socialite that catches Dion's eye. She is the heiress of a New York Architectural fortune. Although very much about having fun and living the moment, she has a deep core that does what she does for the memory of her departed brother. Cast: Lauren XXXXX

[ANGRY STRIP CLUB BOYS 1-3]: frat boy type mid 20's. Uncast

ANGRY STRIP CLUB BOYFRIEND: Cast: James XXXXX

ANGRY STRIP CLUB GIRL FRIEND: mid 20's. Uncast

WOMAN IN WINDOW: mid 20's. Uncast

AIRPORT SECURITY: Loud Black Woman in her 30's-40's. Uncast

YOUNGER ANGELO: Thin good looking man in his late 30's must look like a young. Uncast

YOUNG DION: 6-9 year old young black kid, must look like Dion. Uncast

ANGELO: Distinguished Italian crime boss, 60's-70's wants only to be on vacation but Dion and Albert won't leave him alone. Cast: Steve XXXXX

DIANE: Loud overbearing mother, who cares too much .40's. Cast: Rose XXXXX

DIGEO RIVERA: late 30's early 40's, Italian mobster. Simple spoken. Uncast (Ummm... Italian? Are you positive?)

DOUGLAS: Strong, young Black man age 30's. Uncast

CINDY: Young college aged girl who is Fynx's younger friend. Cast: Cheryl XXXXX

FANTASIA: Brash stripper, funny and confident. age 20's. Uncast

HELGA: Age 30's dutch cleaning lady with comic timing. Uncast

LOKI DA TRIXTA: Cast: Cameo Brooklyn Hip-Hop Artist

MIKE SPICE: Early 30's black or Hispanic hip hop producer. Uncast

MRS. RUSSO: Older Italian Neighborhood woman age 60-70. Uncast

SAGA ONE: Cast: Cameo Brooklyn Hip-Hop Artist

UNCLE WOODROW: Older Jive talking Black man age 70-80. Cast: Melvin Van XXXXX (ha)

VICTOR RIVERA: early 40's Italian Cultured half of the Rivera Mobster Brothers. Cast: Dominic XXXXX Jr.

ANGELO'S BUTLER: older quiet man. 70's-80's. Uncast

OLAF: Sexually Ambiguous Dutch Bellhop Age late 30's-40. Cast: Bristol XXXXX

LITTLE MAN 1: Cast: Billy XXXXX

LITTLE MAN 2: Cast: Neo

[LITTLE MEN 3-7]: Little person who is sick of being called names and has decided to kick butt. Uncast

SIR FITZGERALD YATES: Short, fat balding dirty little man, Age 40-60 who runs a brothel and mistakes Krysta as a new applicant. Uncast

STRIPER 2: mid 20's. Uncast (Oh cool - like candy stripers? Or did you forget a letter? I have a feeling you forgot a letter...)

STRIPER 3: mid 20's. Uncast

JOE FRANKLIN: himself

BUTTERFLY'S GRANDFATHER: Caucasian age 60-70. Uncast (I see a Sally Dog, a Saga One, a Fantasia and a couple of "stripers"... but who the hell is Butterfly?)

BUTTERFLY'S GRANDMOTHER: Caucasian age 60-70. Uncast
--
FRANKLYN of CYPHER Films
...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Naked Boobs = Backbone. Who Knew?

SANGUIS
Feature Film
NON-UNION
NO PAY - COPY, CREDIT

Writer: Barrett XXXXX and Derek XXXXX
Producers: Barrett XXXXX, Derek XXXXX, and Melody XXXXX
Casting Director: Derek XXXXX
Interview: July 17th, 2010
Shoot: July 20th, 2010
Location: Upper West Side, NYC

SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY
DEREK GARCIA
TEL: 347-277-XXXX

There is nudity in this project.

A science fiction heist thriller set in an alternate reality. The two main female roles in the film are both necessary in creating the sense of urgency that is required in order for us to maintain the integrity and thrilling back bone (and for giving us something ogle).

[ MARIA ]
applies the leverage to the story's protagonist that sets in action the course of events that make up the film. (This is a very long sentence that tells you absolutely NOTHING. That takes skill.)

[ CALL-GIRL ]
the emotional centre of the story. Semi nude scenes. NOT full nudity.

I never knew that naked women gave a film backbone (and boobs). I guess this is what you learn in film school. I wonder what naked men would give a film...
...

"Dude, We've Hit The Big Time! Let's Not Share The Wealth."

Monday, Jul. 12, 2010, 12:29 PM Pacific

MUSIC VIDEO VIGNETTES
Music Video
NON-UNION
NO PAY

Director: Tom XXXXX
Monday, Jul. 12, 2010, 12:29 PM Pacific
Casting Director: MacKenzie XXXXX
Shoot: July 17 and 18
Location: New York

SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY
BY NOON WEDS 7/14
MACKENZIE XXXXX
TEL: (917) 862-XXXX

There is nudity in this project.

Although all roles are unpaid, the band you'll be working with is embarking on a major tour opening for a big name act (Then don't they have any money to pay their naked people? They sound greedy and/or insensitive. I don't like their music already...). This is not a traditional music video, but rather a series of vignettes set to music by the band. The scenes are whimsical, oddball comments on the sex industry, so please note that some of the roles do require nudity. MASSAGE GIRL 1 and 2 and PORNO DUDE and GIRL will be shooting intimate scenes together, so please feel free to submit with a friend or partner.

[ OLD MAN ]
60+, any ethnicity, the older-looking the better. Father Time type. Non-speaking role.

[ RECRUITER ]
40's, male, Caucasian, gay but not flamboyantly so. Well-spoken, educated, wears ties - maybe even bow ties.

[ MASSAGE GIRL 1 ]
20's, any ethnicity, not too skinny. Must be comfortable appearing in lingerie. Non-speaking.

[ MASSAGE GIRL 2 ]
20's, any ethnicity, not too skinny, nice butt. Must be comfortable appearing in lingerie, including a thong or high cut panties. Non-speaking.

[ PORNO DUDE ]
20's, any ethnicity, Abercrombie and Fitch type, jocky, suburban. Kind of guy who would shoot a sex tape with his girlfriend. Must be comfortable with a simulated sex scene. Nudity required.

[ PORNO GIRL ]
20s, any ethnicity, girl next door pretty. Kind of girl who would let her boyfriend talk her into shooting a sex tape (What "kind of girl" is that, exactly? But it seems like it's a pretty common thing now...). Must be comfortable with a simulated sex scene. Nudity required.
...

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Thin Mints Is PEOPLE!

'GHOUL SCOUT ZOMBIE MASSACRE'

Anxiety Films is casting Ghoul Scout Zombie Massacre, a horror/comedy B-movie that spoofs late-night Cinemax-style sex comedies and George Romero-style highly political "midnight movie" zombie flicks, while also spoofing the Girl Scouts of America. Eric S. XXXXX, casting dir. Shooting mid-July to early September in NJ, Brooklyn & NYC.

Seeking—Linda Lovelocks: female, 20s, ex-cheerleader, wild, energetic, obnoxious, overbearing, identifies herself as her power is in her good looks and her body, vindictive, conniving, a bitch, brief partial to full nudity required for opening locker room/shower scene, LEAD; Sherri Fulcrumb: female, early 20s, ex-nurse, caught selling drugs, feisty, sarcastic, a lot of fun, very outspoken, wild, crazy, super attractive, brief partial to full nudity required for opening locker room/shower scene and sex/love scene, LEAD; Wendy Powers: female, 20s, when God handed out brains, Wendy came up a little short, an ex-carwash girl who has fallen on hard times after prostituting herself at the carwash for college money, finds herself in reform school in NJ, what's worse blood-thirsty zombies take over her town and she's caught in the midst, ditzy, silly, sexy, gorgeous but trashy, simple girl, maybe a bit hippie or gothy, brief partial or full nudity required for opening locker room/shower scene, supporting role; Mickey Mayhem: male, 20s, band frontman, skinny, good-natured, well-meaning, nerdy D&D player, dresses in very '70s clothing, loving, a leader, brief partial nudity required for love scene, LEAD; Billy Firewire: male, 20s, band member, skinny, outgoing, sex-obsessed in a 14-year-old boy kind of way, nerdy, D&D player, dresses like a vampire, goofy, has a mean streak, brief partial nudity required for love scene, LEAD; Johnny Severed Goats Head: 20s, in a band, weird, cool dress, skinny, supporting role; Chainsaw Mike: 20s, in a band, weird, cool dress, skinny, supporting role. Also seeking—Three Newscasters; Fat Orderly: African-American; Airline Stewart Captain: muscular and clean-cut; Italian Boss; Man at Carwash; Mustached Creepy Man; Rocker Chick; Hipster Boy; McDonald's Spokesperson; Ned Beatty Look-Alike; Record Store Employee; Radio Announcer; Grover: African-American, store owner. Note: For roles that require nudity, think typical slasher/horror movie love scenes and the locker room shower scene in Carrie.

Email pix & résumés to Eric at XXXXX.com. For more info, visit www.anxietyfilms.com. No pay, but copy, credit, meals, and travel provided. Producer plans to apply for SAG Ultra Low Budget Film Agreement.

This sounds delightful, actually. Maybe Gabby will audition. Time to go home and practice running through the woods topless, and tripping over nothing. It'd be worth it to meet "Johnny Severed Goats Head"... he sounds dreeeeaaammmy...
...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

*Eye Roll*

Dear Clients,

Casting for Lead girl in video to shoot Sat June 26TH for a few hours

Female talent must be 5,6 and over great body and be ok in bra and underware this is a very classy video (and a very run-on sentence) and very little dancing this could be a big step for the right girl

The video is for a well known signed artist pay is $300 - 15% to JT talent

if interested please send full body shots and Number to XXXXX. com

ASAP need it today

This ad is just [sic], [sic], [sic].
...

Monday, June 21, 2010

Another Day, Another Totally Naked Simulated Rape Scene...

'THIGHS OF STEEL,' PA

Morgue Art Films is casting Thighs of Steel (working title), a short horror film about a woman's revenge. Jennifer XXXXX, co-writer-dir.; James XXXXX, co-writer-prod. Shoot begins late June-Aug. in Stage College, PA.

Seeking—Actress: early-to-mid 20s, nude scene occurs during an attempted rape (full nudity required). Producer's statement: "Film has huge festival potential, possible distribution, and guaranteed exposure." (Ba-dum-bum!)

Email pix & résumés to James XXXXX at XXXXX.com or Jennifer XXXXX at XXXXX.com. Some pay, plus copy, credit, meals, travel and lodging provided.


So James & Jennifer appear to either be a married couple, or brother and sister (or cousins) - judging by the last name. Which makes me wonder if, at any point, James looked at Jennifer and thought, "Yes, darling, I would be totally supportive of you if you wanted to do an all-nude rape scene for 'some' pay. Now go get me another beer, bitch."

And doesn't the tongue-in-cheek-ish title seem a little, erm, insensitive? I'd hate to imagine what any film called 'Buns of Steel' might be about...

...

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Everybody Must Get Toned.

AWESOME SAUCE
Monday, Jun. 14, 2010, 2:56 PM Pacific
Non-Union Short Film
NO PAY

Producer: Matt XXXXX
Director: Rebecca XXXXX (XXXXX.com)
Casting Director: Rebecca XXXXX
Interview Dates: Wednesday, June 30, 2010Shoot/Start Date: July 8-11
Location: New York

SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY BY JUNE 29, 2010. AUDITIONS WILL BE HELD ON JUNE 30, 2010. NOTE: IF POSSIBLE, PLEASE SUBMIT ONLINE DEMO CLIPS ALONG WITH EACH SUBMISSION.

STORY: An overweight/skinny/body-self-conscious Paul is too nervous to take off his shirt in front of his newish girlfriend, Cookie. In order to get Paul's shirt off, Cookie and Paul's roommate Jorge devise a nifty plan that involves a funny stripping game.

SEEKING: [PAUL] 20-40, overweight or skinny. Must have good comedic timing. Loveable. Willing to do complete nudity is a plus, but if unwilling, we will still consider.

[JORGE] 20-40, relaxed and fun. Must have good comedic timing. Willing to do complete nudity is a plus.

[COOKIE] 20-40, sweet and smart. Funny. Beautiful in a fresh way. Comfortable with her body. Willing to do complete nudity is a plus.

[TRACY] 20-40, super hot and flaunts it. Willing to do complete nudity is a plus.

[JEANNIE] 20-40, super hot and smiley. Willing to do complete nudity is a plus.

Ok, so this clever idea might make your shy boyfriend less self-conscious... but now don't you feel a bit weird around your friends?

Not bad, I like an ad that requires everyone to get naked but there are no zombies involved. It's refreshing. But how about ponying up $20 a butt just as a token for your good-humored cast who will be completely and unabashedly au naturale for your short film? Otherwise, it's just indecent.
...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Even The Dumbest Of People Know That Escorts Get PAID. That's The POINT.

Sexy Female Actresses & Models: 21-29yrs (Midtown East)

Date: 2010-06-10, 1:34PM EDT
Reply to: XXXXX.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Looking for gorgeous Actresses and Models (All Racial backrounds) betw'n ages 21 & 29 to appear in commercials (like http://vimeo.com/5617279) and accompany sexy, handsome executives to various events/parties all over new york city. This is a non - paying gig. However, if selected to participate all expenses will be covered by the executives (What kind of broke-ass 'executives' are these that are so cheap they won't consider your time and *ahem* 'talent' a valuable expense?). Requirements: 1) Must have flawless skin and a great smile; 2) Must have a firm body with natural curves; 3) Must love the camera & have great communication skills. To be considered, send clear photos of you with No Make-up along with your measurements, contact information, bio/resume. Include head shots & body shots. Prior acting experience is NOT required (I totally just did a face-palm...). Please be prepared to be contacted for an initial screening. http://www.facebook.com/pages/MW-MWLives-MW4ever/123692007661742?v=wall

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay
...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

You'd Think Officer Giver Would Have Changed Her Name Upon Entering Junior High

Date: Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Time: 2:00pm - 6:00pm

Location: Purdy Lounge 1811
XXXXX Drive, Miami Beach FL 33139

Description:
Casting call for all local Actors/Actresses for the new age comedy movie MIAMI HOUND DOGS. THE PLOT Cairo, Xavier and D'andre, three modern day casanovas known for whipping it up with the ladies. Miami is their playground and the weekends are when the games begin. Their weekend itinerary consist of the typical trifecta of beaches, parties and most importantly girls. But, this particular weekend doesn't go as planned. The guys meet some out of towners who challenge their hounddogging abilities. Xavier ends up in jail, Cairo accidentally drugs some girls (Oops!) and D'andre just can't seem to get any loving. The weekend seems to be a complete bust. Just when things can't get any worse, these series of misfortunes cause them to question their friendship. As the Hound Dogs attempt to go their separate ways D'andre realizes that life isn't any fun without his friends. Can he persuade the other two to put their differences aside and mend their friendship.

CHARACTER OUTLINE:
BJ Giver- Police officer with emotional issues (I wonder why.) who is always looking for Mr Right, but always ends up with Mr right now; Lisa- Typical gold digger who pretends to not be. She knows exactly what she wants from a man (You make these sound like bad qualities, when, compared to her male counterparts who "hound dog" women and "accidentally drug" them, she seems like an angel.); Linda - Professional business woman with a wild side and she can't wait to unleash it when she arrives to Miami; Pete - Pervert in every way and he is looking to get laid by any means necessary; Rachael- Timid and reserved woman whose idea of a good time is going to a museum and view ancient artifacts; Abcde - Country out of towner who really has no idea about big city living; Fernando- Creepy gentleman who is not comfortable in any situation; Hector- Typical south beach socialite whose idea of having a good time is being seen spending money. And more characters to be cast for. For more info feel free to email me at XXXXX.com

Salary/Wage: open
• Location: Miami
... ...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

It Must Be Working Because I Am Getting Sleepy... Or Maybe Just Cranky.

'THE HYPNOTIC HOMEWRECKER'

Snodgrass Publishing Group (prod.) is casting The Hypnotic Homewrecker, an Internet viral video with "PG-13" type content. Ray XXXXX, casting. Preproduction Summer 2010, for completion by the end of 2010.

Seeking—Hypnotic Homewrecker: female, 18-29, brilliant, sexy, edgy, uses mind control and hypnosis to enslave men and break up their marriages or relationships just because she can. The producer states: "Experience with hypnosis is not required, but talent for hypnosis (we can detect it [Oooooh, freaky]) is. Actress will be trained in hypnosis to play the part of an insane yoga instructor." (Oooooh, scary. Like, for real.)

Email pix & résumés to XXXXX.com. For more info, visit www.XXXXX.XXX. Note: This website contain links and other materials that may be deemed offensive by some readers; not appropriate for minors. Pay, plus credit and meals provided.

Additional Details from the Producer:

"This is a 'breakthrough' opportunity for an actress looking to make a name for herself, both with the public and with the powerful people who run this industry. Hypnosis is the 'next big thing' in entertainment (Clearly - all the creepy producers are doing it. To wit: this previous entry), and it needs a sexy, pioneering face to front its entry into the public (sub)consciousness. This project is designed to catch the attention of 'A-list' talent and producers (And if it doesn't? Can't you just hypnotize them to that end? Or is that unethical?), who will see the blueprint for the new genre, and want to cash in themselves. Socially, there will come a day when a female celebrity uses this type of hypnosis to steal men from other female celebrities -- or, if it's already been done, it'll be picked up by the media." (Naturally. Who wouldn't pay to see people bamboozled by shallow, hypnotic bimbos? This is like a slutty, soul-less Scooby Doo cartoon... only less fun, less innocent & less worth watching.)

To the public's credit - these ads have been removed & flagged from various sites. Note to the 'producers' of these 'breakthrough' opportunities: If the same public that willingly watches Jerry Springer, Flavor of Love, Farmer Wants a Wife, The Littlest Groom, and Armed & Famous has railed against your project... then you have major issues. Get your head fixed.
>>>

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Seeking Video Vixens With Piles To 'Were' G-Strings.

MUSIC VIDEO WITH PLIES NEED SEXY ESCORT DANCERS MODELS STRIPPERS HOLLA (Heeeeey!) (QUEENS)
Date: 2010-05-03, 8:35AM EDT
Reply to: XXXXX.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

best of craigslist (Someone's cocky)

MUSIC VIDEO WITH PLIES (I keep reading that name [is that a name?] as "Piles") COMING UP NEED GIRLS BE THE NEXT VIDEO VIXEN (NYC )

Transportation can be provided (but will it be?) for all women if needed

ARTIST ARE YOUNG RICK AND PLIES

Check out the rap guys at PINKELEPHANT69.WEBS.COM

Between the ages of 18-45. (45? Really? I will cut you some slack for liking older ladies. Very mature of you, gentlemen.)

Requirements:

- You must be NICE SHAPE
- You must be RESPECTFUL.
- You must be DEPENDABLE.
- You must be ABLE TO WERE THONG OR G STRING (Merely able to? Anyone with a butt is able to - perhaps you mean *willing to*? Or *able to wear [not "were"] well*?)

* To apply: email at least 2 pics (1 face 1 body), and a contact number *
XXXXX.com

Location: nyc
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $$$$
....

Friday, April 23, 2010

Someone Needs To Get Hooked On Phonics

Gabby submit herself for this show because the original notice looked like an interesting opportunity. This reply email (sent today for an audition TODAY) gives me second thoughts.

Thank you for your submission for our NYC Comedy Show Casting!

We are seeking the following:

1 Caucasian Male
1 Latin Female
1 African American Female
1 Caucasian Female

GOOD NEWS! (We found a cure for cancer???!!!) Due to the huge amount of talent from our first casting, we are now considering an onsomble cast for the show. 

Onsomble. ? You have to be fucking kidding me.

The last audition will take place today on Friday April 23rd, 7:30–9pm at:

THE NEW YORK FILM ACADEMY
568 Broadway 2nd FL, Soho NYC
Directions: Take the N, R or W trains to Prince Street, come out at Broadway and your there! (Don't try to make nice with more exclamation points. You've just insulted me by thinking I don't deserve the time it would take for you to spell check a PROFESSIONAL EMAIL.)

AUDITION SLOTS

Please text Richard at (305) 917-XXXX or email: XXXXX.com to schedule an audition slot. ALL ACTORS MUST SCHEDULE AN AUDITION SLOT!

Items you must bring to the casting:

1. Headshots and bio (if you do not yet have headshots yet its okay, just bring a brief bio on yourself and email us a most recent pic along with your age, height, hair color and nationality. (I believe an audition is like a job interview and it's sort of illegal and unethical to ask someone's age [if they are over 18] and nationality. I mean, if you're looking for a 30 y/o Caucasian and someone walks in/sends a photo and they look like they fit the bill - then that's how you judge. You use your eyeballs.)

2. Prepare a “1 MINUTE COMEDY MONALOG(*facepalm*) of your choice that shows your full comedic talent & versatile range (Impersonations are highly encouraged!)

3. Your COMEDY A-GAME! For you will only have 1 minute to make our casting directors laugh. (Too bad, I only ever audition with my B-Game. Because that's how I roll: half-assed & sloppy. Just like this email.)

The comedy show’s producer and native New Yorker, has some major film & tv connects that he will pitch the show to this year. One has worked in films such as Traffic, Primal Fear & Scarface, so yes this production is a big deal! And the very reason why our casting directors in both NYC and MIAMI are seeking the best of the very best comedic talent that NYC has to offer. (So, then why are you in Miami, again?)

If you are selected as a cast member, then you will also be considered for a role in a “Feature Romantic Comedy Film” which features original comedic characters from the show! If you are not selected be not dismay, for we have multiple comedic skits to film and will need a host of extras in each of them, in addition to the feature comedy film as well.

The best of luck to you. And bring your A-GAME on Friday April 23rd!

Just for kicks & giggles, I submit to you, dear, educated reader, a better version of the travesty written above:


Thank you for submitting your picture & resume for our new comedy show. A second round of auditions is being held today, April 23, 7:30-9PM at NYFA, 568 Broadway (between Houston & Prince), 2nd Floor. We would like to schedule you for an audition. Auditions will be held in 10 minute slots. Email us at XXXXX.com, or call XXX-XXX-XXXX to schedule a time slot. Prepare a 1 minute comedic monologue; impersonations welcome. Bring pix & resumes (if available), and a brief bio. Auditioners will be considered for possible future projects as well.
...