Friday, December 28, 2007

Why Am I Skeptical?

ORLY THE MATCHMAKER

Orly the Matchmaker (prod.) is casting two commercials: A High-End Matchmaker and Finding Your Perfect Match. Sam XXXXX, dir. Shooting begins Feb. 14 in Los Angeles, CA.

Seeking—Males and Females: 20-70, any ethnicity, great shape, stunning, elegant, outgoing, fun, great personality.

Auditions will be held by appt. only Jan.-Feb. at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills, CA. Possible additional auditions will be held in NYC. For an audition appt., send pix & résumés by Feb. 2008 to Orly the Matchmaker, XXXXX Beverly Hills Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90048. Include a variety of pix. Come to the audition looking “stunning, very high end, a perfect 10 in and out, and very elegant.” Absolutely no phone calls or drop-offs. No fees or purchases required. Professional pay, plus copy, credit, meals, travel, and lodging provided.

Dressing up for a little matchmaking at a fancy hotel sounds a little more like high-end hooking than auditioning - does it not? Hmmm...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

This Woman Deserves A Prize (Or At Least $20)

NYFA, ‘NO MORE’

Heaseung XXXXX (writer-dir.) is casting No More, a 16mm color NYFA thesis film about a love story between an old lady and a young man. Shooting Feb. 26-March 1 in NYC.

Seeking—Jina: female, 60s-early 70s, Caucasian, American, was a beautiful actress when she was young, still elegant now, partial topless nudity required; Danny: male, 20s, Hispanic, muscular, face looks soft, kind, handsome, good-natured; Sarah: female, early 20s, Jina’s granddaughter, pretty, bright, glamorous, partial nudity required.

Also seeking staff—Director of Photography: must be good with 16mm camera and light packages; Sound Recorder: must be good at solving noise problems; Production Designer: must have experience.

Auditions will be held by appt. only. Send pix & résumés to XXXXX.com. No pay, but copy, credit, meals, and travel provided. SAG Student Film Agreement.

Gabby loves it when more mature ladies get good, juicy roles. Toplessness is, um, well... to each his own, I guess. But if this gal is game for baring it all then she deserves a big Thank You! Who taught you your manners, you young whippersnappers???
...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Will Work For A Free Shot Of Booze

‘TEQUILA CONFESSIONS’

Steve XXXXX (casting) is casting Tequila Confessions. Partida Tequila is looking for your best, worst, crazy, or interesting tequila stories. Shooting TBD in NYC, Miami, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

Seeking—Males and Females: 21+, to share their best and worst tequila stories.

Auditions will be held by appt. only in NYC, Miami, Chicago, and Los Angeles. For an appointment, visit www.tequilaconfessions.com, click on “casting call,” and fill out the audition form and attach a jpeg with a recent picture. Due to the number of anticipated submissions (I think you may be over-estimating yourself, hun), not all may be asked to audition. No pay, but confessions will be featured on the website and those who “make the cut” will have the opportunity to taste 100% blue agave premium tequila.

I don't think I want the internet community to be in on my worst tequila moments. Seriously. And I imagine that most of these stories will end with puking, black-outs, or "And I woke up with her screaming that I'd peed on her." (True story - but not mine, thankfully.) Which isn't very pretty. So why bother?

Oh, right - for the "opportunity" to "taste" some fancy tequila. I guess this is sort of like the snake eating it's own tail scenario...
...

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Recipe For (Sexy) Disaster?

Project Name: The Ultimate Exotic Dancer
Project Type: Reality TV
Format:
Rate/Compensation: some pay

Role: Dancers and Actors
Role Type: Other
Gender/Age/Ethnicities: Male or Female / 20 to 45 / All Ethnicities

Breakdown: 2 gorgeous actress model types as spokes models ages 20-40 Pamela Anderson or Carmen Electra types. Must own evening dress high heels. 7 exotic dancer types willing to do a dance rehearsal scene in a studio. No nudity required. Must have sexy dance rehearsal clothing. Bring CD of your music and prepare a 1 minute routine. Actors 2 choreographers 1 over weight mean ballet instructor we prefer European type but not required 2 ballet dancers 3 male or female actors any age

Mix exotic dancers with ballet dancers in tiny dressing room. Wait until the stench of superiority wafting from the ballerinas is overwhelming. Add overweight "European type" ballet instructor. Once the original mixture is sufficiently deflated, fold in choreographers. When the mess starts to take shape, sprinkle with random actors for comedic effect and frost with spokes-models for sweetness. Serve chilled.

Seriously though, will they be judged? How will those comments go:

"Well Krystal, that routine was very similar to last week's - what with all the sliding down the pole and hair whipping. But it still managed to turn me on... Good job!"

Friday, November 09, 2007

She Cares Because She's Topless

CRAZY GIRLS’

TheSkinnieMinnies (prod.) is casting Crazy Girls, an HDV 27-min (Wow, that is a really specific guess at a running time considering it hasn't even been filmed yet) short film. Mark XXXXX, dir. Shooting in Dec. Seeking principals—Professor McCrane: male, 50s, mature, distinguished, looks like he’s lived and seen a lot; Anderson: male, 30s-40s, cool, calm, collected, nothing surprises him; David: male, 20s-30s, can put on the charm when he has to, but behind closed doors is abusive; Dr. Walters: female, 30s, psychiatrist, intelligent, no-nonsense, but still caring, note: brief topless nudity required; Dr. Miller: male, 40s, chief resident; Dr. Stanley and Dr. Chandra: male or female, 20s, residents; Nurses: male and female, any age. Also seeking background—Para Military #1: male, 30s; Para Military: male and female, 20s; Residents: male and female, 20s; Indian Woman: 18+; Male Orderlies: 30s; Neighbors: male and female, 18+; Police Officers: male and female, uniform a plus. Also seeking staff—Makeup Artist: for beauty and special effects. Auditions will be held by appt. only. Email pix & résumés to XXXXX.com. For more information, visit www.theskinnieminnies.com. No pay, but copy, credit, and meals provided. Producer plans to apply for SAG Short Film Agreement.

So... where are all the crazy girls? Have they already been cast? Or is Dr. Walters it? Perhaps the ladies mentioned are really just her split personalities - her caring, intelligent and topless inner-selves? I guess we'll have to stay tuned to find out - it'll only take 27 minutes of your time.
...

Friday, November 02, 2007

Girls Gone Wild Never Gets Old

Actresses/models needed for Girls Gone Wild spoof! (Union Square)
Reply to: XXXXX.org

Date: 2007-11-01, 2:05PM EDT
Hello, We are a nationally-circulated humor magazine and are putting together a video that will make fun of the "Girls Gone Wild" motif. Actresses/models will be required to undress* (see below) and will need to be available for up to 12 hours the day of shooting. The look is a "girl next door slumber party", so if you can make that work, we'd love to hear from you. This gig does not pay, however we are well-known in the media and respected among fashion/photo editors and other humor publications. If you need an in into fashion or comedy, this is a damn good start. *Concerning nudity, models/actresses will be required to be topless and in underwear. Chest and private parts will be covered up by model's own hands or by other objects. The camera will NOT film private parts.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay


At first I was, "Oh honey, please", but then as I read on, I envisioned innocent girls at a mundane sleepover flashing each other (or whatever) and thought that could actually make Gabby crack a smile. And while camera crew, etc. will get to see your "privates" (that term makes me giggle - I feel like I'm in kindergarten again. Is it nap time yet?), no one on the internets will. So, fine.

But if you're so "well known in the media" then how about a paycheck? Or is that the point? "Spoofing" the invention of some creep who made millions by getting girls to flash him for free by doing the same? Are you evil geniuses - or just cheap???

How Can You Get Experience Filming And 'Learning The Craft' If You Are Busy Getting Serviced By The Woman You Are Paying To Touch You?

Casting---Attractive Females for Video Test shoots. (Chelsea)
Reply to: XXXXX.org

Date: 2007-11-01, 3:33PM EDT

Casting---Attractive Females for Video Test shoots. Women Only needed for Amateur video-grapher/former actor (cool, chill, goodlooking) (Oh, thank god he's good-looking! Everyone knows that homely people have no real talent or vision.) in Manhattan currently experimenting in Adult style Video shoots ranging from Tease to more explicit, HJ/BJ (Uhhh... What?! You mean like PORN???) Seeking attractive Models/Actresses who are interested in making some cash while participating in my learning the craft, process and comfort of these types of shoots ***************These are Test Shoots for private use only. Not to be sold, broadcast or copied in any way (Oh, well then, if these are just for your own private use and this is more like me being a prostitute than an actor - that's fine.) ************************** "Studio" (At least he's honest - we all know it's probably just an old broom closet with a stained futon mattress on the floor) is located in lower mid-town Manhattan The shoots are One on One, relaxed and chill and easy. The shoot moves rather quickly and almost never lasts more than 20-30 minutes or so from the time of your arrival at the studio (20-30 minutes? Uh, look, pal... boasting about your "speed" in this arena might not behoove you). Pay range is from $75-$150. Pay is based on Looks/Limitations. If you think you may be interested, please respond with a few pictures (clothed is fine), your limitations, and your general availability for a shoot.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $75-$150 per 20 minute shoot


WOW. Wow. Well, I guess if producing/performing in porn is your dream then you gotta start somewhere.

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Grey Area

‘THE MERRY TRAVELOGUES,’ CT

Saxon Mills, LLC (prod.) is casting The Merry Travelogues, which is viewed 7,000-10,000 times daily as it moves into its second quarter online, with a growing fan base on online networks around the globe. J. XXXXX, prod.-dir.; Duncan XXXXX, DP; Kimberly XXXXX, line prod. Flexible production dates in CT. Seeking—Female Travel Correspondent: 18-29, silly, sensual, self-confident, able to read a tele-prompter, who can portray naivety with a hint of savvy, should be comfortable with body work in a fun studio environment, producer states: “above all the show is looking for someone who wants to have a blast with some fun scripts.” Note: some in-studio nonsexual partial nudity required, will be masked in the finished product (see sample clips below). Auditions will be held by appt. only. Email pix (headshot and full body shot) & résumés to XXXXX.com. For video samples, visit www.youtube.com/merrymarytravelogues. For more info, visit XXXXX.com. No pay, but copy, credit, and travel provided.

Ok, so you're naked in the studio but not on screen. I might buy that. But if you get to see my ta-tas as we ta-tape, then why not kick a few bucks my way?

By the way, Back Stage has an article this week, The Naked Truth: Rules for Onstage Nudity, which tells you how the professionals should be handling nudity. And really, why settle for anything less? Your goodies deserve the best treatment they can get - am I right? (And I am.)
...

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Dudes vs. Chicks: Inequality In The Nakedness Business

Tsk, tsk. It's 2007, kiddies, and men are still making more bread than their fairer counterparts - across the board! Here's a side-by-side (or a top-to-bottom, if you will) comparison:

‘STREET LURE’
Deep Freeze (prod.) is casting Street Lure, a DV feature film. Carl XXXXX, dir. Shooting weekends Jan.-March, 2008.Seeking—Justin: 19-22, Hispanic, LEAD; Anthony: 26-29, Italian, LEAD; Vito: late 40s-early 50s, drug boss; Johnny: mid-20s, Hispanic or Italian; Rob: 30s, loose cannon; Lou and Sal: bodyguards; Vinny and Tommy: 18-23; Sammy: 50s, collision shop owner; Jennifer: 17-20, princess who’s a secret party girl; Rose: mid-20s, Italian, note: partial nudity required; Kim: early 20s, Hispanic or Italian, note: partial nudity required. Auditions will be held by appt. only Oct. 20 & 27. Email pix & résumés to XXXXX.com Indicate your first choice of roles. No pay, but copy, credit, meals, and travel provided. Producer plans to apply for SAG Ultra Low Budget Film Agreement. (No stereotypes to see here, folks! This is completely original!)

Now for the gents:

‘ANOTHER GAY SEQUEL’ (I love it already)
Eve XXXXX Casting (casting) is casting the indie feature film Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild!, a satirical gay teen sex comedy. Todd XXXXX, dir. (Edge of Seventeen, Gypsy 83, Another Gay Movie). Shooting late Nov. in Fort Lauderdale, FL.Seeking—All-American College Kid: male, 19-21, hot, sexy, inquisitive gay “everyboy,” perpetually horny but still hasn’t learned the ropes; Sexy Nerd: male, 19-21, attractive, gay bookworm, doesn’t realize how hot he is under those glasses and sweaters; Frat-boy Pledge: male, 18, gay, hot as hell, dumb as a box of rocks (Aren't they always?), enjoys being hazed; Evil Gay Frat-boy: male, 21-23, drop-dead gorgeous, ripped, evil frat-boy villain, maniacal, sadistic alpha-queen; Asian Frat-boy: male, 21-23, sexy, nosey, gay busybody, scheming and sinister. Note: All-American College Kid, Sexy Nerd, and Frat-boy Pledge involve male-on-male love scenes and partial backside nudity; all ethnicities (unless specified).Auditions will be held by appt. only in NYC. Send pix & résumés to XXXXX, NYC XXXXX; indicate preferred role on outside of envelope. Professional pay, plus travel and lodging provided. Producer plans to apply for SAG Modified Low Budget Film Agreement.

Life is so unfair :(

Friday, October 05, 2007

It's Cute How They're So Honest And Excited

Casting Lead Female for Indie Thriller
Reply to: XXXXX.org;
Date: 2007-10-05, 10:19AM EDT

If being chained up, stripped half naked, and terrorized sounds like fun (OMG! You read my mind!), this is the part for you. But it also requires some acting chops because you're not simply the victim. We are seeking females in the range of 25-35. If you haven't guessed from the first sentence, nudity is required (Naturally!) as is travel (I was supposed to guess travel was involved based on the first sentence?). We will be working under the SAG Ultra-Low-Budget Agreement, so travel will be paid and the day-rate is $100 plus meals and lodging. For consideration, please, forward headshots and resumes via Craigslist. Links to online reels are especially appreciated.

· Location: Outside NYC
· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
· Compensation: no pay


They do pay, they don't pay... I'm not sure. I'm willing to bet they're good for a few bucks. But to be bound, stripped and terrorized, I'd be happy to pay you, my friend!

If You Go Topless In A Strip Club, At Least You'll Get Paid

2 Females Needed for Full-Feature!
Reply to: XXXXX.com; Date: 2007-10-05, 1:26AM EDT


Non-Union Only

Vortex Cinema's Director Lior XXXXX, and assistant director AJ XXXXX are casting for the full feature independent horror film, The Student. The project will begin shooting in January, and will be shot in multiple NYC locations. For more info on this project go to www.VortexCinema.com. SEEKING: Victoria, 18-25, any ethnicity, Jean: 25-30, any ethnicity. Both roles require top nudity. If you have any questions about the roles, please e-mail us. Auditions will be held October 9th, and 11th at Queens College from 5-8pm each day. If interested please e-mail AJ XXXXX at XXXXX.com. If you have them please send headshot and resume. When we receive your e-mail we will send you the directions. Everyone who writes to us will get the info (Hey! We're not picky! Some people call this a "casting", where we hand-select appropriate candidates to audition for us, but we just call it a chance to meet girls who are willing to take their tops off on camera for free - or just "Dude, that's awesome!"). There is no pay, but DVD copy provided, and all roles will credited.

· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
· Compensation: no pay

Friday, September 28, 2007

Well, That Solves The Costume Budget Issues...

‘BITCH MACBETH

Do What Now Media (prod.) is casting Bitch Macbeth, a neo-Shakespearian psychodrama. Michele XXXXX, prod.; Christian XXXXX, asst. dir.; Sara E. XXXXX, choreo.; Frank XXXXX, prod.-dir. Rehearsals begin early Oct.; runs Jan. 4-26 at the Brick Theater in NYC.Seeking—Macbeth: male, 30s, brooding, the air of a man whom life happens to, and who doesn’t know why or how, must dance/move very well, have strong physical presence; Small Asbury: male, 18-22, an angry young man, wiry, tough but not street smart, tortured, determined, didactic, must dance or move very well; Asbury: male, 30s-40s, a lion in winter, a great bear of a man now gone to seed and vice; Other Thorn: male, 20s, a beautiful, imposing Adonis, sensitive, quietly strong, doomed, full, sexual nudity required; Rbiter: male, 30s-40s, sly, effortlessly manipulative, cold, detached yet keenly aware of everything around him; Auctioneer: male, 30s-40s, theatrical, charismatic, irresistible force of nature; Femme Macbeth: female, 20s, beautiful in a cruel way, fiery, dangerous, ruthless, must dance or move very well, note: full nudity required; Prime Asbury: female, 18-22, ingénue, thinks she’s an old soul but just has her head in the clouds, heartbreaker, someone to protect, must dance or move very well, full nudity required; Aurora: female, 18-25, slave, confidante, consigliore, survivor, Note: full nudity required; Wire: female, 20s, dominatrix apprentice, maternal, eager, starry-eyed, a believer; Male and Female Dancers: 18-35, to play assorted soldiers, slaves, royalty, dominatrixes, go-go dancers, etc., will play various roles, some with dialogue or scenes, many silent, nudity required for some dancers’ roles (both men and women), but not all. Email pix & résumés to XXXXX.com. No pay.

It's fall already. I'm cold just thinking about these rehearsals. Brrr.
...

I Don't Like Those Odds

NJ, ‘JEFFREY’

The Attic Ensemble (Jersey City, NJ) is casting Jeffrey. Paul XXXXX, writer; Billy XXXXX, dir. Rehearses weekday evenings, 7:30-10 p.m., and Sun. afternoons; runs Nov. 9-18 in Jersey City, NJ.Seeking—Actors: seven men and one woman, 20s-40s, must be comfortable with intimacy, sexually suggestive physicality, and partial nudity. Auditions will be held Sept. 24 & 25 at 7:30 p.m. at The Attic Ensemble, 83 XXXXX St. (two blocks from Grove St. PATH station), Jersey City, NJ. Callbacks will be held Sept. 26 at 7:30 p.m. One-to-two minute monologues are encouraged; sides will be provided. Bring pix & résumés, stapled together. For more info, directions, and detailed cast breakdown, visit www.atticensemble.org. No pay.
...

And We're Back!

Hello my lovelies,

Gabby is sorry to have been gone for so long. Did you miss me? I've been busy working as an actress on various projects that not only pay me some seed, but also put me in threads. Can you dig it?


During my down-time I have also received frowny comments from some of my deliciously creative readers, who seem upset that I have taken an interest in their pursuit of uncompensated nudity. Can you imagine? Why, all I do is spread the word as they wrote it. Tsk tsk. Such a shame. I've decided from now on to highlight in red the verbiage of interest in each post so they can better see how it fits my theme. Groovy.

I hope to be writing to you all more often from now on.

CiaoXXXXX,
Gabby
...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Milking The Maid?

‘SPANKING THE MAID’
Handmaiden Films is casting Spanking the Maid, an independent, 60-min. HDDV production based on William Faulkner Award-winning author Robert Coover’s short novel—a dark comedy of obsession that deals with adult themes, sadomasochism, and sexuality. This is a serious adaptation of a literary work. Clay XXXXX, dir. Shooting in NYC in late spring and summer, TBA. Seeking—The Maid: female, 21-35, dark haired, Caucasian, attractive, intelligent, vibrant, playful, sexy yet innocent (the French actress Anna Karina-type), must be comfortable with partial nudity, sexual situations, and receiving erotic spanking; The Master: male, Caucasian, 26-50, tall, in shape, severe, strict, a dominant powerful presence, but also capable of showing compassion and vulnerability. Auditions will be held by appt. only. Email pix & résumés to XXXXX.com. No pay, but copy, credit, meals, and transportation provided.

I trust that this could actually be a good project... but why not pay the woman you plan to record on film as naked, in compromising situations and receiving corporal punishment? Dahling, where are your manners???
...

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Classic Nudity Required, No Pay!

‘TOM’S PHONE’
Filthy Martini Entertainment is casting Tom’s Phone, an HDDV feature-length production, about a bizarre love triangle that develops when a phone is forgotten in a cab. Pierre XXXXX, dir.; Alyssa XXXXX, casting. Shoot starts early July.

Seeking—Thomas: male, 20s, Caucasian, 5’8”-6’2”, level-headed, personable, aloof, naturally “cool” guy, handsome, slightly awkward, LEAD; Leila: female, 20s, Caucasian, 5’5”-5’10”, reserved, beautiful, elegant, composed, brief partial nudity and suggestive lesbian scene, LEAD; Joanna: female, 20s, 5’0”-5’6”, exotic-looking, attractive, sensual, flirtatious, artistic, suggestive lesbian scene, LEAD; Franco: 20s, 5’8”-6’2”, fun, brash, crass-yet-lovable, think Cal from 40-Year-Old Virgin; Tina: 20s, loud, fun-loving, hot, slutty, hip, “in-crowd” look. Also casting supporting and minor characters—Girl in her 20s, Middle Eastern Cabbie, Tom’s Guy Friends, and Various Extras.

Auditions will be held by appt. For an appt., send pix & résumés to 280 XXXXX, NYC 10009 or email to XXXXX.com. No pay, but copy, credit, and meals provided.
...

Monday, May 07, 2007

Rub-A-Dub-Dub

UNTITLED TRAILER
FGT Productions is casting a trailer for an untitled film about a “sensual” massage company in Manhattan. Allyson XXXXX, dir.; John XXXXX (Lost, X-Files), DP; Lauren XXXXX, prod. Shooting May 26-27 on various locations in NYC.Seeking—Anastacia: young, gorgeous blonde, flawless body; Julia: fun, furious, frantic, (fake) blonde, WASPish-looking but Jewish descent (And we'll be able to tell this by looking at her, how?), nice body; Josi: gorgeous, curvy Latina, height is not an issue, but must have beautiful bust line and derriere, must be very comfortable “using” her body; Lucinda: young “Julia Roberts,” slender, petite (Julia Roberts is 5' 9") and completely oblivious to her striking beauty, preferably brunette; Dana: brunette, blue eyes with an “edge,” nice body, a recent art school grad, tattoos and piercings okay; Mimi: fun, energetic, extremely bright college student, this actress must have 38DD bust. Email headshots ASAP to XXXXX.com. No pay, but videocopy, credit, and meals provided.

Interesting, how they're not looking for any clients yet... I wonder who these lucky gals will be "massaging"?
...

Thursday, May 03, 2007

They Make The Rockin' World Go 'Round!

‘ROC WES FULL CIRCLE’
Roc Wes Production is casting an independent film titled Roc West Full Circle, an urban drama featuring The Persuaders, Lenny Green, hip-hop artist Juelz Santana’s mom “Miss Debbie,” (Oh good. His mommy will be there. Maybe she's the chaperone?) hip hop artist Rilla, and a host of others. Roc Wes, casting. Shooting in June in Bronx, NY.S eeking—Gigi: mid-20s, beautiful face and body, large bottom, brief nudity; Mac: early 30s, good looking entertainment VP; 15 Additional Roles: 21-45, all ethnic backgrounds. Auditions will be held May 12, 2-5 p.m. at The Producers Club, 44th St. near Ninth Ave., NYC. Bring pix & résumés. Sides will be provided. For more info, email XXXXX.com. No pay, but videocopy and meals will be provided.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Excuse Me While I Slip Into Something More Comfortable To Yoyo In...

Project: Elle McPhersons Lingerie Line (commercial)
Rate: NON-UNIONSHOOT DAY RATE: $500 BUYOUT 21 MONTHS: $2000 PRINT BUYOUT 21 MONTHS INTERNET ONLY: $2000

[GIRLS] 18 to 24, any ethnicity, great body and pretty face who look absolutely fabulous in Bikini and Lingerie. Note TALENT MUST BE GREAT AND VERY PROFECIENT IN THE FOLLOWING:

Play any musical instrument (beside piano) very well (I've never played anything beside a piano before.)
Play YOYO very well (Sexy)
Wery proficient at sign language Can make balloon animal or perform magic tricks. (Sexier!)

This is not only about being good looking in lingerie, this is about doing scary and weird things while wearing lingerie! talent must have the one of the above skills. Do Not Send more then 1 or 2 emails you can send as many pics as you want but keep them contained to oneor 2 emails.Send Pics to: XXXXX.com

Are There Crazy Actors? I hadn't Noticed.

Project: Spike TV/E-Harmony
Rate: $400 (non-union)

Types:
a) Paris Hilton/L.A. Type. Caucasian Blonde. High fashion and very high matinence. Should act like the world is at her feet and she is always the center of attention. Very good Looking.
b) Intense Woman. Any Ethnicity. Should be very emotionally Intense and can switch from calm to crazy explosive. Average looking
c) Lower east side Punk girl. any ethnicity. Can be average build to overweight. Can look masuline, or kooky or have something off about her.

all talent should be between ages 25yrs-32yrs old.

DO NOT SUBMIT REAL CRAZY PEOPLE! I WANT ACTORS NOT PEOPLE WHO ARE REALLY LIKE THAT CHARACTER. THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD BE REALLY LIKE THE CHARACTER IS THEIR LOOK.

All talent must be good actors. Auditions: Wednesday May 2nd Shoot date: May 8th Do not submit if your not available for the audtion or the shoot date. Do Not Send more then 1 or 2 emails you can send as many pics as you want but keep them contained to one or 2 emails.Send Pics to: XXXXX.com please include phone number

First off, I would like to applaud his forethought to distinguish between real crazy and acting crazy. Second, invest in spell check already. PLEASE. You got Caucasian right at the very beginning, so I had such high hopes... Keep trying.

Friday, April 27, 2007

And My Legs Make More Of A Chortling Noise...

Lrg. Female actors
Reply to: XXXXX.org, Date: 2007-04-27, 11:08AM EDT

Large white famale. Must have giggly arms. role in comedic short. non-union/union Non paid/defferred(sag only) Shooting dates: Late May Audition dates: Wed 5/2 Audition notes: appt. only

· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
· Compensation: no pay

Exactly What My Mother Warned Me About

Young, Attractive Female Assistant :) (Yes, he really used a smiley face.)
Reply to: XXXXX.org Date: 2007-04-27, 11:47AM EDT

Hi there! Great opportunity for the right individual. Photographer in Brooklyn needs a motivated young female assistant F/T or P/T for in studio work, run errands and modeling opportunities. Please respond with photos and your contact information. Thanks, and all the best!

· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
· Compensation: no pay


Full time (or part time) with no pay? Just FYI Mr. Craigslist poster - a woman cannot live on sex with her employer alone.

Friday, April 20, 2007

How much You Want To Bet The Director Casts Himself As The Lead?

‘SUEDE UTOPIA’
Brooklyn Atlantic Films is casting Suede Utopia (working title) (Good Lord, I hope you don't keep that title - it is extremely lame and awkward), a 20-minute mini-DV short in which two deviant girls (Oh... we're on to something...) forever change the life of an old, working-class, simple man (My goodness, I wonder how they manage to accomplish such a thing?). John XXXXX, dir.-prod.; Jen XXXXX, casting dir.-line prod.; Ralph XXXXX, prod. Shooting May 31-June 3 (tentatively) in Brooklyn, NY.Seeking—Billy: late 50s-early 60s, Mediterranean or Jewish American, understated New York accent, working class, introverted, sad and broody; Alexei: early to mid-30s, Russian or Eastern European, heavy foreign accent, slim build, talky, arrogant but friendly; Joanne: late 50s-early 60s, featured extra, sarcastic, grumpy, to play the wife of Billy; Caitlyn: 18-24, “suicide girl” look, sexy, campy, cheeky, flirty, Lolita, modern day pin-up girl; Lori: 18-24, like Caitlyn with a harder ege, more Alphabet City and less Williamsburg (I snorted with laughter when I read that - like there's a huge difference or something). Note: Both Caitlyn and Lori must be okay with on-screen kissing and sexual situations. Send pix & résumés (include email address) to John XXXXX, XXXXX St., Apt. 2H, Astoria, NY 11102; or email to XXXXX.com. Absolutely no drop-offs. No pay, but videocopy, credit, and meals provided.

*shiver*

The description of this project reminds me of something my friends and I accidentally came across on hotel cable during our high school trip to Toronto. Let me just say this: Old men, leopard print speedos and two whorish-looking women ARE NOT APPEALING TO ANY ONE.

A Year-Long Committment Without Pay? Are You High?

‘TIMON OF ATHENS’
Smoking Mirror Productions is casting William Shakespeare’s Timon of Athens project. It is an approx. one-year workshop dedicated to exploring and experimenting, leading up to a two to three week run. J. XXXXX, prod. Meetings will be on Monday evenings; rehearses weekends and evenings for four weeks before a two-three week performance run in early 2008. Seeking—12 Male Actors: various ages, many multiple parts.Auditions will be held by invitation May 2, 7-10 p.m. & May 4, 10 a.m.-1 p.m. at Ripley-Grier Studios, 520 Eighth Ave., NYC. Send pix & bios to Smoking Mirror Productions, XXXXX, NYC 10008. Audition with any Shakespeare speech. Be prepared to read from Timon of Athens. No pay.
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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

A+

I'm guessing that sometimes people may think I'm a little hard on some of the ads I skewer on my blog. Maybe I am picky - but it's for good reason. This is a profession, people, so let's conduct ourselves accordingly. You don't need a big budget or big names to at least look sane and responsible. Here's an example:

Looking for an actress
Reply to: XXXXX.org
Date: 2007-04-17, 8:52PM EDT

My name is XXXXX Martinez and I am looking for an actress for a May 5th shoot. The character is named Cynthia, who is an online gamer, in which her boyfriend, Danny, does not know about. Ages 20-25, volunteer, will be feed (I'm assuming he means "fed" or "food"and not that you will be munching on oats from a burlap sack) on shoot, reimbursments on mass transit travel (Round trip $4). Please contact me if you are interested and I will send you the screenplay and info on auditions. Thank you and I hope to hear from you all.

· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
· Compensation: no pay


He tells us up front:
What he needs - One actress.
Who she is - Cynthia, aged 20-25 years who is a secretive online gamer.
When - May 5th.
Material - He is offering potential candidates to see the script before deciding.
Pay - No salary or stipend but you will be reimbursed for travel.

Hey, sure, $4 is a token and I'm sure most people might be like "Dude, keep the money", but he's offering and that is a GOOD and NICE and PROFESSIONAL thing to do.

I wish you luck XXXXX Martinez!
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Friday, April 13, 2007

Dude, Please.

'THIS IS THE NEW AMERICAN THEATRE'
Prodigal Sun Productions is casting This is the New American Theatre, a satirical look at contemporary theatre. Danny XXXXX, dir. Rehearses through May; runs June 1-30 at The Brick Theater in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY. Seeking—Astrid: late 20s-early 30s, smart, funny, free-spirited, flirtatious actress-dir. (full non-sexual nudity required); Marcy: early to mid-20s, wholesome, all-American, ambitious actress (full non-sexual nudity required). Auditions will be held by appt. Send pix & résumés ASAP (April 20 at the latest) to Danny XXXXX, Prodigal Sun Productions, 273 XXXXX, Brooklyn, NY 11215; or email to XXXXX.org (keep image files under 100k). Possible pay.

You want 2 hot chicks to get naked for your play, who's premise makes no sense (American Theatre is still male-dominated, not naked-chick-dominated), in Williamsburg where NO ONE will come see it, and you can't even make an effort to definitely pay these girls? Man, take out a cash advance on your credit card if you have to, and at least pay your talent a $50 stipend for being good sports.
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Drumroll, Please...

Actor needed for the most incredible 28min Television Show of All Time (Midtown East)
Reply to: XXXXX.org
Date: 2007-04-11, 12:15AM EDT


I have a paid spot for a male/female to assist me in taping the most incredible television show of all time, a show of DRASTIC Social consequences that could turn the world upside down. (Sounds fun, sure, why not?) I'm not playing games when it comes to this Subject Matter. (Alright already.) I already get the world's top press and I'm seeking big world headlines from this Show, actually. (Sure, which is why, you know, you're searching on CraigsList.)

Taping will be very soon in a professional/MNN affiliated television studio in Midtown East. Pay is $20.00 and you may become very Cult as well. (Become very 'Cult'? Am I just old or does that make no sense?)

You'll announce the Beginning and appear as my assistant during the Show, although mostly Films will be playing throughout. Making comments and speaking on television, talking to some famous people call-ins, etc. It will be a one camera shoot and like I say this is totally legit and above-board. No nudity and nothing kinky, you just have to be there. (To be your assistant, Mr. Man-Who-Is-Afraid-To-Use-His-Own-Name-In-The-Casting-Notice-For-His-Own-Show?! I'm TOTALLY there!)

The Show will last approximately 1/2 hour. I ask you send me a headshot or bodyshot with your contact info. Taping could be within just a few days. It will appear on YouTube, MNN and possibly Beyond. (As in "The Great Beyond"?) Remember, this is something the likes of which the World has never seen before. Prepare yourself and have sort of a Revolutionary mindset just for starters. Send me your contact info and I'll fill you in more.


· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
· Compensation: $20.00 for approximately give or take one hour

Wow. Wow. I believe absolutely nothing of what this guy says. Except that he might give me $20. Wow.

Bad Idea # 1,987,239,876:

TOPLESS Documentary needs models! (Greenwich Village)
Reply to: XXXXX.org
Date: 2007-04-10, 8:38PM EDT


Did you know that it's legal to be topless in NYC? (Yes.) Well, it is! Decided in the case of Rochester Romana Santorelli Vs. State of New York, it is perfectly legal for men and women alike to roam the streets without a top, like cattle.

This fact has led me to create a short documentary about American opinion surrounding nudity and body image. The project will culminate with an event I am hosting in Washington Square Park (date TBA, but definitely somewhere between April 18th and 22nd). (Oh, that's perfect - my mom will be in town visiting then) I'd like to gather as many female participants as possible (in the hundreds, preferably) to remove their tops simultaneously in the park. (What about the men? I thought you said it was legal for men and women... Why just women, eh?) WE WILL NOT DISCRIMINATE! ALL SHAPES AND SIZES ARE WELCOME! Of course, you will be armed with a copy of this law if an ignorant officer happens to trouble you.

As an NYU Film Student, I aim to create a contemplative look at our fascination/titillation with the human body and promise utmost professionalism. Please contact me via email if you are interested. This is going to be exciting...


· it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
· Compensation: no pay

Why on earth would anyone want to run around topless in New York City? In the spring (it just snowed the other day). And like we don't get harassed enough by creey men when we wear our parkas. Give me a break.


Hey Girl, You Surfing Craig's List For Acting Work? Well Stop It.

Hey girl, are you pretty? (Maybe. Why do you ask?)
Reply to: XXXXX.org
Date: 2007-04-11, 8:22AM EST
We are looking for print ads commercial models. Must be 18 years old and above. No experience necessary. Pls send a picture of your best angle. Thank you.
· it's NOT oj to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
· Compensation: $$$


Ooooooh! Three dollar signs in a row! Awesome.

Friday, March 23, 2007

The "D" Is For Demon!

‘STD (SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DEMON)‘
Heart of David Pictures, Inc. is casting STD (Sexually Transmitted Demon), a DV dramatic short about a young virgin woman who loses her faith and takes a wrong turn in her quest for companionship (Whatever do they mean, I wonder?). Project is of a sexual nature, but no nudity is involved. Three days of shooting begin April 20. Shauntay XXXXX, dir.-exec-prod. Seeking—Tyran Bryant: early-to-late 20s, outgoing, attractive, works in promotions, LEAD; Trina Belvitt: early-to-late 20s, conservative dress, religious, outspoken, LEAD; Males and Females: various day-players. Auditions will be held by appt. only March 31. Time and location will be provided after initial inquiry. For an appointment, email XXXXX.com. Prepare a short dramatic monologue, and be ready to cold read. For more info, go to www.myspace.com/heartofdavidpictures. No pay, but copy, credit, and meals provided.

At first I thought this was going to be some quirky film where this woman dates the wrong guy and winds up with like, this little fuzzy Muppet-like "demon" that follows her around all day and night making wise-cracks about her weight and dead-end career and choices in men. Which could be funny. But then I read the ad again... and now I'm scared. I feel like I need to counteract the future effects of this film by saying here and now that: No, you cannot contract Satan by having Sex. Satan has nothing to do with sex. So you're safe as long as you're responsible. So go enjoy yourselves.

Telling It Like It Is

‘PAUL BUNYAN AND OTHER TALL TALES,‘ ME
The Theater at Monmouth is casting the touring production of Paul Bunyan and Other Tall Tales, touring throughout Maine and performing for school children at Cumston Hall, the theatre’s home. Some workshops are taught in addition to performing. Jerri XXXXX, dir.; David XXXXX, playwright-prod. dir. The contract runs from April 18-June 1 and includes a four-week tour throughout Maine and two weeks of performances at Cumston Hall.S eeking—Two Actors: male or female. Note: Producers are seeking creative and energetic individuals who work collaboratively and are excited by working on original material. Actors, singers, and musicians, especially acoustic guitar or fiddle players are encouraged to apply. Performers of all ethnicities are encouraged to apply. No divas or jackasses. Auditions will be held at the end of March in NYC. Email pix & resumes to XXXXX.org. Housing, some meals, and transportation provided. $250/wk.
...

Now I'm Just Being Picky.

‘THE FILE ON RYAN CARTER’
The Entertainment Agora is casting The File on Ryan Carter, about the unlikely and explosive friendship of a college athlete and a political activist beginning in the late 1930s and following it through the HUAC investigation of Hollywood in the late 1940s. David XXXXX, dir.; Bruce XXXXX, prod. mgr. Rehearsals begin late April; performs late May-early July.Seeking—Jewish Political Activist: intense, radical, playwright, later screenwriter; Midwestern College Athlete: sexually compulsive, corn fed, later a radio performer and film actor. Note: Both roles require full nudity and stimulated sexual activity. Send pix & résumés to XXXXX, 10003; or email XXXXX.com. Pay for both rehearsals and performances.

Ok, they want full nudity but they are paying. The notice reads well, except... is the activist male or female? I assumed male since it says "unlikely and explosive", so I just assumed that means "homoerotic" in some way. But then I was like, "Gabby, don't rush to judgment..." so I scrolled to the bottom and sure enough it read "Seeking: males".

So I feel inclined to tell David and Bruce, that just for the record, women can be political activists/playwrights/screenwriters, too, you know. Not just men.

Harumph.
...

Friday, February 23, 2007

Blurring The Line Between Real 'Talent' And The Stomach Flu:

Talent needed for NYU Film: Disgusting Close Ups (East Village)
Reply to: XXXXX.org Date: 2007-02-22, 10:35PM EST
Do you have any disgusting talents or love grossing people out? We're looking for anything from a threshold for pain to vomiting (that's a talent?) to anything you can think of. NYU student film "Disgusting Close Ups" is looking to capture a montage of the most ridiculous footage possible onto 16mm b/w film. Send a description of your “Disgusting Close Up”, the best way to contact you, and your availability. [We have a flexible shooting schedule, but Mondays and Wednesdays preferred] The film will be posted on the internet and you will be credited for your talent (Awesome - this will certainly be the one thing I do that i want everyone to know that it's ME, baby! That's ME puking up there! And don't you forget it!). You will get a copy of the film. (Even more awesome - I can keep this right next to the home movies of my ballet recitals and volleyball games!)
· Compensation: no pay

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Implied Nudity & Implied Payment

‘FRIENDS (WITH BENEFITS)
Gorman XXXXX (writer-dir.) is casting Friends (With Benefits), a funky romantic comedy from the filmmakers of You Are Alone (www.youarealone.com). Shooting in April in CT. Seeking—Tatiana: 25, supermodel gorgeous, implied nudity; Lilly: 21, sexy webcam girl-next door (ahh yes, the sexy-webcam-girl-next-door... I believe you can trace this stock character's roots back to the Comedia dell'arte) , nudity, sexual situations; Phoebe: 21, attractive with a heavy accent (French preferred), nudity, sexual situations; Young Chloe: 10, adorable, brown-haired hazel-eyed girl; Young Owen: 10, cute brown-haired brown-eyed boy with a dimple in his chin; Owen’s Father: 50s, rich, Republican doctor; Owen’s Mom: 50s, attractive, Republican wife, family moderator; Richard: a male Dr. Melfi, 40s, therapist; Psychology Professor: 50s, male or female, academia, sexual situation (why are the men involved in the 'sexual situations' always twice the age of the women???); Dan: 24, drummer in alternative band (must be able to play drums); Girl With Hoodie: 18, cute with an amazing body. Note: All roles listed are supporting roles. (Imagine how good it'd feel to know your naked boobs supported a film...) Send pix & résumés to Casting, PO Box XXXXX, Hamden, CT 06517; or email to XXXXXcom. Producer is applying for SAG Ultra Low Budget Film Agreement.

For those of you who are curious, the ad breakdown read "possible pay".

Monday, February 12, 2007

Craigslist Has Casting Notices!

In fact, someone told me that she replied to an ad on CL for a certain famous brand of vodka print job casting, and the gentleman (I use the term loosely) who replied said that she would "only be considered" if she, um... gave him a different kind of "job". AWESOME. That's the sort of thing that makes me giggle... right before I fly into a rage.

Anywho, so I skimmed the site myself and picked a few winners. Of course, these could be perfectly legitimate - like the "work-at-home" webcam business - but they certainly are interesting... And they pay!

Webcam actress needed
Reply to: XXXXXcraigslist.org

Date: 2007-02-12, 10:00AM EST
I am looking to set up a sexy woman who can speak well (Yes... "speak" well. She must be able to "speak" very, very well. In fact, your audition will to to recite the Ghettysburg Adress while showering...) on camera with her own legitimate work-at-home business. Send pic and contact number and I will give you more details. Big opportunity. Thanks
· Compensation: Variable - Pay per video

Flirt and Flash Actress
Reply to: XXXXXcraigslist.org

Date: 2007-02-11, 8:05PM EST
Need one actress for street theater gig. You will flirt and flash (with discretion of course). Of Course! What - do I look like I'm crazy? If I am going to expose myself to strangers in public and have it recorded, you bet I'm gonna be SMART about it!
· Compensation: 250/day

Need Special Actress
Reply to: XXXXXcraigslist.org

Date: 2007-02-12, 9:52AM ESTFor "What do you say to a naked lady?" hidden camera show. How about... "Aren't you cold?" or "Are those real?" or "Pardon me!" or "Wow, you look nothing like my cousin Shirley!" or "Can I help you polish up your resume so you don't have to take creepy jobs from CraigsList anymore?"
· Compensation: 500/day Although I will say that is very tempting...
...

Monday, January 22, 2007

Bikini Funny?

Girls Gone Wilde
ComedyNet, a new broadband comedy site, is seeking funny, beautiful women for a clever Oscar Wilde parody sketch, "Girls Gone Wilde". Looking for several pretty, funny women with great bodies. Must be comfortable being funny in a bikini (no nudity, bikini only). Auditions Jan 23 and shooting starts Jan 30.


Email
XXXXX.com

I can be funny in a parka, bathrobe, ball gown and chicken costume, but never a bikini. I'm sorry.

Friday, January 12, 2007

We Only Get Naked For Love (And "Some" Pay)

‘SHORT CUT TO HOLLYWOOD’

Bavaria, Schiwagofilm & Capturefilm are casting Short Cut to Hollywood. Astrid XXXXX, casting dir.; Jan XXXXX & Macus XXXXX, dirs. Starting production Feb. 1 in NYC.Seeking—Thorsten Gripp: 55-57, Caucasian, producer, originally from Germany, fluent German required, his successful days are history, looks bedraggled and depressed, more like an unemployed teacher (then he wouldn't be a teacher, would he?) than a film producer, smokes too much and it shows; Paula from ABC: 34-40, not necessarily African-American, a Condoleeza Rice-type, tough with a strong attitude, will do whatever it takes to get her job done well-no questions asked; Shannon: 20-25, fearless, hungry for life, likes to have the final say, very attractive and knows it, what may make other women look vain and unappealing seems for her playful and self-confident, smart and quick, eloquent and has more knowledge of human nature than most of the cool, slick, “women experts” out there, is only interested in men who pose a challenge to her, the affection for John is something in between true feelings and the lust for adventure (and what could be more thrilling than rocking the world with a future super star?), partial nudity in the part, it means that there are love scenes (It does? Then why not just say that? Because it could also mean shower scene/getting dressed scene/works-part-time-as-an-artists' model scene... etc.); Drug Dealer: 17-19, African-American, tooth gap (interesting requirement) and has a devious look in his eyes. Email pix & résumés to XXXXX.de. For more info, visit www.short-cut-to-hollywood.de. Some pay.