Choices Are Always Good... Except These

BRUNETTE, 16MM FILM Short shot on 16mm film is seeking: actress, attractive brunette, to play in an experimental. Opportunity to add to professional reel. They will be working with a make-up artist to apply body paint to the top portion of the body for topless appearance (optional), alternatives may be seductive apparel. This is a serious film and will be sent out to festivals. No pay. Send pix & resumes to K. XXXXX, 501 W. XXXXX, NYC

Nude-looking body paint? Hey, I have an idea - why not just ask for the actress to be nude. That might save you some time.
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Dear Jerk,

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Naked Chicks vs. Mutant Killer Animals

Subject: Casting Horror movie
Casting feature horror/comedyShooting in 200 3Basic plot: A group of young women band together as their small town is besieged by mutant killer animals. Roles being cast: Sylvia: 18, female. College freshman who kicks ass and goes to war against a mutant killer animal. Role requires topless & rear nudity. Lawanda: Twenties. Outgoing, funny, dangerous. This girl knows how to take care of herself and is the de facto leader of the group. Role requires full frontal nudity (Well, she is the leader). Adriana: Late teens. Tough as nails woman from the wrong side of the tracks. She's been to hell and back, and she's learned a few tricks along the way. (What kind of tricks? The kind that can earn her a quick $20 under the bleachers?) Role requires topless nudity. Betty: Twenties. Shy, innocent, reserved. She's the girl-next-door type who's never had to fight before and now she's fighting for her life. Role requires rear nudity. This movie shoots in 2003. It's a genre-defining horror/comedy and we already have interest from major distribution companies for the finished product. This isn't the typical slasher movie where the women run screaming(and fall). These girls fight and don't need men to help. (I beg to differ - they obviously need help getting and staying dressed...) They can take care of themselves and kick some mutant animal ass along the way! We provide hotel and meals on set. We offer lead actresses (all roles listed are leads) 5% of the gross which is way beyond standard for an indie movie. We're shooting in Pennsylvania likely in April/May but production dates have not yet been set. If you're an actress who wants to have some fun creating characters that break out of genre stereotypes, this might be for you. (Again, not to be contrary or anything, but actually these roles sound like pretty common stereotypes.) Non-union (or financial core) applicants only. Send your photo(doesn't need to be a headshot) and resume(if you've got one) to me, Hallie XXXXX, at the below email address. I look forward to hearing from you. Let's show the men how horror is done! Hallie

Ninjas, Hitler, Demons And Mobsters... OH MY!

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Is nothing sacred?!

ACTRESSES FOR DIGITAL VIDEO
Casting digital video "Girls Eating Popsicles." Seeking seven women, ages 21-50. Sexual undertones, but no nudity. Video credit and copy provided. Bring pix. No pay.

You're not going to get women to seductively eat popsicles for your creepy project for free. And if you do - I want to know their names so I call call their mothers, so they can explain to their daughters that at worst this project is just plain gross, and at best it's a complete waste of time. You can't use it for your reel (can you?), and unless you think free popsicles is worth-while compensation, you're not going to get anything of value out of this except maybe a purple tongue and brain-freeze.
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*Raises Hand In Air*

Subject: Female Comedy and Acts of StrengthHello All, The Shark Show, downtown's best variety show isseeking fabulous female comedic performers, and anyand all freaks. Any female comedians, sketch groups,solo performers, puppet performers, breast puppet performers, odd balls etc... please contact us...

Hey there... I have a question: What is a breast puppet??? Is this something new, or... what?

Breast puppets... Imagine that.

Is The Thumb A Finger?

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Hot As Smoke?

Subject: Need back-up Group for showcase HOT AS SMOKE FEMALE SINGER SONG WRITER NEAR SIGNING COLLABORATING WITH BIG NAMES seeks group for showcase and creative mind melt (is that like a tuna melt?).(think Madonna, Finoa, Pretenders, Gwen, Shirley Manson,Beyoncee). Dinah XXXXX.com

Is this a sentence? Quick - my de-coder ring!

Asssimated?

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Which Type Are You?

Megaworks Universe, Inc. is seeking: three sexy female performers, anywhere from model types to stripper types to Pamela Lee types who look 18 - 25. Must be outgoing, fun natured (Fun natured?), and comfortable wearing minimal clothing (Who isnt?). No nudity. All ethnic groups desired. Future pay. Chosen performers will be part of a techno/rock band's live shows and will interact with the other band members. Must have transportation to and from the NYC area. Great opportunity for exposure. Non-Union Performers. Send pix and resume (body shot preferred, snapshots ok) to: Megaworks Universe, Inc.P.O. Box XXXXX, New York, NY 10028 or email: XXXXX.net

I know, the differences are subtle, but subtlty is what this project is all about!

Nudity Required/No Pay

"BLACK WHISPER", FEATURE
TriQuest Films is casting for the feature "Black Whisper" about an over-the-hill actor who sleepwalks his way into murder, then into the life of his victim. "Strangers on a Train" meets "Purple Noon." Seeking—Jeff: murderer, actor, 48, very cool, remorseless, cunning; Szabina—the widow, 30, complex, bisexual, honest, an exhibitionist, consumed by love, brilliant, beautiful, speaks fluent German, nudity required; Phillip: the victim, Hollywood producer, 49, handsome, successful; Dickie Randall: 50, fundraiser, knows everybody who is anybody in the theatre, gay, slightly effeminate; PI Conrad: a sleazy detective, ruthless, 40, rakish; Clare: 19, a beautiful inexperienced girl of good family, determined to find her sister who has vanished under mysterious circumstances, hires Conrad who catapults her into a world at odds with her religious upbringing, nudity required; Mary: Clare's sister, takes a position as maid at Phillip's estate, nudity required; The Stranger: indefineable, stalks Szabina, androgynous, compelling, relentless, key to Szabina, her life, her future, a spy, possible nudity. No pay. Send pictures and resumes to director Ralph XXXXX at 1210 XXXXX Road, Wallingford, CT XXXXX. No phone calls. NON-SAG PEFORMERS.

What? Like, almost everyone in this film gets naked - except the androgenous character, which I find very amusing that he/she is listed only as "possible nudity".

Sexy Naked Clowns?

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Planning Your Bible School Day Trip?

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Pixies, Fairies, Sprites, Leprechauns, Genies, And Now...

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Sounds Riveting

"EBONY DAWN MOMENTS"
The Thespian Project is seeking: Many roles for apilot program for a cable television series, "EbonyDawn Moments." The first five stories will be filmed with little dialogue but intense emotions—therefore, you must have exceptional facial expressions and goodbodily gestures. One episode includes brief suggested nudity (bath tub scene). Seeking: males and females,all types, ages, and ethnicities. Shooting inmid-July. No pay, but opportunity for exposure. Video,CD, or DVD copies are provided. Send pix & resumes toThe Thespian Project, PO Box XXXXX, NJ XXXXX.

Ok, I hate to say this, I really do, but I know you are ALL thinking it: "Ebony Dawn Moments"? Should we all grab a section of the Times before watching this film?

Isn't That The Stuff Old Ladies Use For Arthritis?

Alleycat Films is casting an independent film "Hot Ice." Shooting begins in July. Seeking: three beautiful seductive females, must look 25, stripper-type bodies, strong acting ability. Principal roles. Nudity required, T&A only. No pay, but videocopy, meals, and transportation provided. Video distribution is already guaranteed. Send pix & resumesto Alleycat Films, PO Box XXXXX, Brooklyn, NY 11233, c/o John XXXXX, dir. NON-SAG PERFORMERS.

Do they mean skanky, living-in-a-trailer-park-and-smoking-menthols-and-just-had-my-fourth-kid "stripper type" bodies, or the unrealistic, this-is-what-people-who-have-never-been-to-a-strip-club-think-that-strippers-actually-look-like, "stripper type" bodies?

Let's Go Heckle The Naked Ladies!

Subject: Comics for Gramercy Comedy Club Prime Time Shows...Friday June 28th and July 12 We are Currently looking for Comedians to perform on the Friday Night Prime Time Shows at Gramercy Comedy Club. We have open spots for Friday June 28th and July12h. This is a great show, it starts at 8:30. We have National Headliners performing on the venue. Comics will get paid and receive a complimentary meal, and get 8-10 minutes of stage time. Comics will be required to bring 5 audience members, the more people that you bring the more stage time that you receive. All audience members receive a complimentary appetizer and there will be $5 drink specials. Also everyone will receive free admission to "TENS Strip Club" next door. It is a wild evening! If interested please contact Adam XXXXX ASAP at 212-XXX-XXXX or e-mail XXXXX.com

A stripper's dream come true: An audience full of out-of-work comedians.
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Sounds Dangerous

FATALLY ATTRACTIVE ACTRESS

Seeking fatally attractive actress, 18-24, to playbass in a rock band. No bass experience necessary, but musicality is a plus. Must be willing to have hair blonde or red. Opportunity to break into musicbusiness, show business, and have fun. Future pay. Send pix & resumes to Casting, c/o Garth XXXXX, 346 XXXXX, NYC 10003.

"Wanted: Neurosurgeon. No exp. nec. Must look sexy in white coat. Great opp. to break into medicine. Deferred pay."
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I Think I Need A New Calendar

We need Fit Athletic in shape MALE actors, models,dancers of ethnic decent (Perhaps you mean 'descent'?). We looking masculine sexy guys great bodies between the ages of 18-35. We are two college students looking for models to build our portfolio (Our strictly all-male, mostly-naked, very professional portfolios...). Our goal is the publishing of a calendar for the year 2003. So we need to act soon. NO PAY but copies of all pictures and full credit will be awarded, along with the opportunity to work with us in future (Yay! More no pay!), the previledge to help us choose the picture that will go in the calendar. Website promotion for models, posters and postcards are all the things we are looking into. But right now there are no funds, we are doing this from our part-time income. Amateur Model, actors, dancers anyone with the need of exposure are invited to reply with a face and body picture along with age and availability XXXXX.com (please insert picture into text if you can, i really dont like downloading files due to viruses) or you can add a link to your website. Only attach files if no other way is possible. If Interested please reply ASAP. Thanks Edgar

Half naked men not getting paid??? It's about frickin' time.

What's In It For Me Again?

Casting 4 female models (ALL ethnicity's encouraged to respond) for photo shoot in Hartford, CT. There is NO pay, NO transportation, NO promises.

You must be available to shoot on Friday, June 21st. This is a NO budget promotional project for an up coming hip-hop group. Models must be at least 18 years of age or have parental permission, be between sizes 0-8, and sign a model release. If you can and are willing to fit this criteria please forward a PIC and resume to XXXXX.com no later than June 14th. Anything after that date will automatically be deleted. If we are interested we will contact you by June 17th.

This is a great opportunity for exposure in the music industry and possible future work.

Peace & Love, CJR Entertainment

Oh, right: Peace and Love.
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Just Because We Hired You Doesn't Mean You're Worth A Paycheck

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Well, If That's Your Attitude...

Dear Actresses,

We have just begun casting for a low-budget indie feature revolving around the premise of four young and vibrant yet struggling female artists who then decide, out of pure desperation, to all commit to a plan of deadly consequences in hopes that then, at least the one remaining, will reap some rewards. (*shivers* Ooooh... This long-winded run-on sentence sounds vague... and really lame...) We are casting for FOUR amazingly attractive actresses (aged 18-28) (of course you are) who can play both attitude and desperation very well -- and in both personal reflection and dialogue delivery. (You mean - "act"?!) If your image can hold the viewer's eye, then your performance should carry the story with even greater intrigue. We have learned from experience, that casting notices literally yield hundreds and hundreds of submissions, and every single one starts off with the same old "I'm a well trained and enthusiastic actress with great range and a marketable image and I'm looking to .... blah, blah, blah ..." SO please,spare us & yourself, (ME-OW!!!) and just mention a couple relevant lines (For example: Bust, waist, hips...) about your ability and work ethic to contribute to this type of project specifically. And what is very, very helpful, is if you can include a few e-mail addresses of other directors who can comment on your work, or even just support you as a quality reference. NON-union

Hey, if I get cast, will you promise to yell at me some more?

Witch Contest

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Mr. Sensitive & Mr. Thoughtful Present:

ACTRESS FOR FEATURE
Stilthouse Productions is casting for a non-union,zero-budget feature. Seeking: a white actress, attractive,18-24, athletic-type, to play a writer who gets raped and comes back for revenge. Full-body nudity required. Must be willing to perform simulated rape scene and own stunts. No pay, but opportunity for exposure (ha ha), and meals and clip will be provided...

I have to be totally naked, do my own stunts, and let some other "actor" pretend to rape me - FOR FREE? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! Guys, just wait 'til your mothers hear about this...

Well-Rounded?

Actress needed for exciting horror film shooting April in Pennsylvania. Age range is 18-28, race/ethnicity doesn't matter, we only care about talent! Non-union job. We offer a percentage of the gross, lodging, copy & credit in lieu of "up front" pay. Great team,fantastic cast, and a director who has worked with"stars" in the past. (I'm sure he has: "Another scotch Mr. Pitt?") This will not only be a film which will very successful, but also fun to make. The role which is open does contain one scene involving nudity (topless and posterior). It is not"sexual", and will last approx 1 1/2 minute screen time. Character is vivacious, energetic ,smart and well-rounded... (Was that a pun?) Actress must be able to drive to location in Western Pennsylvania. It would be very helpful is actress could travel to location prior to the actual shoot for costume fitting, but that isn't 100% nec. (At least you know you'll be wearing clothes some of the time...) This is an extremely fun project, filled with talented individuals! If interested, please send aphoto(doesn't have to be a headshot)and resume via email.

All these projects that don't require headshots! And I spent so much money on mine. What a sucker.
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